Customer Service Calls to God
A parody by Ryan Garns
Support Rep: Good afternoon. Thank you for calling God. This is Reshawnda speaking. How may I assist you today?
Woman Caller: (Distraught) I-I need to speak to God.
Support Rep: I'm sorry, everybody does. Perhaps there's something I can assist you with?
Woman Caller: M-My father... he's... in a coma.
Support Rep: Okay. May I get your ID number, ma'am?
Woman Caller: What? I don't have...
Support Rep: It's on the back of your bible.
Woman Caller: (The receiver is jostled. Pause) ...56839?
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. Are you somewhere close to your father where you can also hold the phone?
Woman Caller: Yes. Please, I-I just want to ask God... to look out for my father... and... deliver him from--
Support Rep: Okay, ma'am. I just activated your father. Try him now.
Father: (In background) Mary? What's going on?
Woman Caller: Oh my God! He's awake!!
Support Rep: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
Woman Caller: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Support Rep: You're welcome, ma'am. May I ask you to take a few moments to participate in a brief sur--
(Line goes dead.)
***
Support Rep: Thank you for calling God. My name is Todd. How may I assist you today?
Male Caller: Yes, I would like to submit a complaint. I recently--
Support Rep: Please hold. ("Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett plays over the line. The song fades out...)
Recording: Did you know that you can now pray to God online? Just log on to god-online.com/pray. It's free and easy. Try it today. ¿Sabías que puedes ahora rogar a dios en línea? Apenas señalar--
Support Rep: (Cuts in) Complaints. This is Janice.
Male Caller: Hello, Janice. I recently submitted a prayer to God asking that the Phoenix Suns win the divisional playoffs. And they were knocked out in the first round 4 to 1.
Support Rep: Can I get your ID number, sir?
Male Caller: 83628. And I'm very upset because I had season tickets and we had a whole trip planned to--
Support Rep: I'm sorry, sir, but your account status doesn't cover frivolous prayers such as lotteries, stock portfolios or sporting events.
Male Caller: I see.
Support Rep: Would you like to upgrade to Evangelical?
***
Recording: Hello, I'm an automated operator. In order to properly direct your call, please say the name of your religion.
Caller: Buddhism.
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: Buddhism!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say--
Caller: BUDDHISM!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could--
Caller: BOO-DIZ-UMM!!!!
Recording: Sorry, I didn't catch that. Could you say it again for me?
Caller: (Sighs) Christianity.
Recording: Very good. Let's proceed...
***
(something on Buddhism in my next post)
Link
Government fed by the people
Career options
I suggest government... because nobody has ever been caught.
Corruption so prevalent it affects English language?
Corruption is so prevalent it affects English language?
When there's too much dirt...
We need better tools... to cover up mega corruptions.
Prevent bullying now!
If you're not going to speak up, how is the world supposed to know you exist? “Orang boleh pandai setinggi langit, tapi selama ia tidak menulis, ia akan hilang di dalam masyarakat dan dari sejarah.” - Ananta Prameodya Toer (Your intellect may soar to the sky but if you do not write, you will be lost from society and to history.)
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