If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
~ Timothy Jones
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford