Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'.
A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Last but not least: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.