I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech...Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ...But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere - Billy Crystal
I don't feel old... I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Wise cracks were by famous people, if I said them, the cracks no longer become wise. - Kosong
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