These boots are made for walking...

one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. Be afraid, if you are one of those 'people-pleasers' and you are in the company of people out to take advantage of you. I was taken in by this article in The Sunday Star (not sure which was the original title by Elizabeth Svoboda):

Step on me, please?
People-pleasers just can’t say no, and they expend so much energy meeting others’ needs that they lose sight of what they want from life.
or

May I serve as your doormat?
Experts say the seeds of people-pleasing are usually planted in childhood. – Los Angeles Times

Excerpts:
“People ask me to do things like serve on committees, and I’ll accept without evaluating whether I’m really passionate about it” she says. “Because I say yes a lot, I’m too busy. I’m too stressed, and my attention is divided.” - Brooke Ray

Responding to the needs of others, of course, is a crucial part of normal social functioning.

But people-pleasers are so invested in outside approval that they set their own wants and needs aside.

They find it almost impossible to say no – even when saying yes wreaks havoc on their own best-laid plans.

What makes someone so anxious to fulfil other people’s expectations that they end up sabotaging themselves?

The seeds of people-pleasing are usually planted in childhood, according to Jay Earley, author of Finding Your Life Purpose.

“Often, parents will simply tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves,” he says. “When the kids obey, the parents give them conditional love.”

Such an environment sends a subconscious message to children: The only way to feel valuable is to comply with others’ demands, give others what they need, and “go with the flow”.

The pattern only solidifies as children grow up, fearing that if they do not strive to please, people will not love them.

They respond to this perceived threat by becoming obsessed with meeting others’ needs.

Because girls are typically trained from an early age to accommodate and defer to others, a disproportionate number of people-pleasers are women.

Once established, such behaviours become self-reinforcing, which makes them difficult to uproot.

They get rewarded by bosses, co-workers, and friends just as they do by parents, prompting pleasers to assume doormat postures over and over again in hopes of receiving more kudos.

But despite the fleeting high of adulation, relentless praise-seeking exacts a heavy toll, warns Hap LeCrone a psychologist.

People-pleasers expend so much energy meeting others’ needs that they lose sight of what they want from life.

They’re often seized by the disorienting feeling that they’re not in control of their own lives, which leads them to lash out.

“People please, please, please, please, and then they explode,” says Earley – as when a woman who’s catered to the needs of a self-centred partner for years finally goes ballistic and throws him out.

If you’ve been a pleaser for a long time, you’re going to get more and more resentful of the person you’re pleasing, and that can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour,” Earley says.

...the key is a well-thought-out policy of temperance. Retain positive people-pleasing traits like friendliness and sensitivity, but clarify your own needs and assert them more.

If someone asks you for something, ask yourself if it’s feasible and consider your own needs, too. You might say, “I can help you later in the day, but first I need to meet my own deadlines. If it’s urgent, maybe we can find someone else to help you right away.”

Take a close look at what situations trigger your pleasing behaviour and why. “People-pleasing behaviour comes from fear, from an assumption that others are in control of you. Healthy behaviour comes from genuinely wanting to be connected to people,” Earley says.

“Ask yourself, ‘why am I doing this? Is it because I really care about this person, or because I’m afraid I’m going to lose them?’”

This kind of questioning can help you uncover the source of the fears underlying your people-pleasing bent.

Did your parents’ conditional love lead you to dread abandonment? Did the pain of a past heartbreak make you overly anxious about offending or disagreeing with your new partner?

Consider the answers and discard fears that don’t make sense anymore.

I have a strange feeling that I am essentially a people-pleaser as I tend to go with the flow (in Cantonese: soon khei chee yeen), so much so that I feel I am neither here nor there (in Hainanese: nang bo ti nang, kui bo ti kui). Incidentally, the Hainanese are particularly sensitive to this expression and it seems Dr. Lim Keng Yaik had to apologise for having said that. But it is ok if it is self-deprecating humour.

My life can be summed up as working for by brother's companies, father's company (sold it) and mother's company (liquidated it) and now holding on to my own company (dormant) until my son decides if he needs one for the future! I lived with my mum who was on her own, for a number of years (despite having 10 children (3 predeceased her) and 35 grandchildren and many great grandchildren) until her demise in 1993, while my family were in Batu Gajah. I joined my family soon after. Now my own children are adults working or studying overseas while we hope for them to settle down and have children of their own. Until they are working and married, they are still 'work-in-progress' as far as I am concerned. Meanwhile, with more time on our own, we have more time to discover that we are so set in our own different ways that we wonder how we fell for each other before!