Obama: Mr PM, I’m still curious … Did you actually plan to call for a snap election on 11-11-11?
Prime Minister: Of course, but I missed it due to unforeseen reason (*sigh*)
Obama: Gee, it must be very important for you to miss it since the date was your lucky number. I wonder what could be so serious.
Prime Minister: It was my fault really ─ I’ve forgotten that 11-11-11 was also another auspicious date for love couples. So Auntie Rosy somehow insisted we must romantically spend some times together. One thing leads to another and you know … by the time I realized it, it was too late to announce it (*grin*).
Obama: So, since you missed the date, does that mean it will be next year?
Prime Minister: Don’t be silly, it’s just some numbers. Besides, there is still 11-12-11, 11-1-12 or even 11-11-12. I can still make a surprise after the UMNO general assembly later, you know. So it could be this year after all. It’s so funny to see how the opposition and my enemies within UMNO keep guessing when I’ll call the snap election.
Obama: Talk about UMNO general assembly, wouldn’t it be too dangerous to let your, you know, your enemies attack you?
Prime Minister: Oh! You meant the 3M team? Worry not, Auntie Rosy already despatched a messenger to the old man that if he wish to see his son becomes future Prime Minister, he better STFU (shut-the-fuck-up) or else Auntie Rosy would personally give some Birkin handbags to Anwar’s wife. So the old fox got the message crystal clear.
Obama: That’s brilliant. But did it goes well with the other team member? You know … your deputy?
Prime Minister: Aha, that fella … Well, what’s the hottest talk-about issue now?
Obama: Well, of course the ”Lam-Boo” (Lembu) … I mean, the CowGate … I mean, the NFC (National Feedlot Corporation) scandal, of course.
Prime Minister: Precisely, you don’t think I delayed the release of the audit report for no apparent reason, do you?
Obama: Jesus Christ, it was you who started the fire, didn’t you? But I don’t get it because I thought that woman would not think twice about licking your yellow pair of boots to get Senatorship.
Prime Minister: Yes, she definitely would do that but she would lick it twice as fast my enemy’s boots too. So I need to send a message, just in case she was thinking about stabbing me at the back. That “Cowboy” would definitely think twice about revolting against me. Hey, I’m very skilful in this area, you know, after the 1987’s Team-A and Team-B fight.
Obama: Of course, I believe I was briefed about that somewhere. So, I supposed this year’s general assembly would be another boring event, huh?
Prime Minister: Nope, it would be the ultimate and final ring to bash the opposition before I call for the general election (*oops*). So, the Chinese will get whacked, the Indian will get whacked, Anwar will get whacked and whatnot. Most importantly I would be able to see my true supporters before I finalise the candidates. Heck, I may even do a cabinet reshuffle right after the general assembly. So I think my pair of yellow boots will get super wet (*proud*).
Obama: No worry Mr PM, I’m sure your boots would get cleaned up every minute. But seriously, are you ready for a snap election? What about the Chinese votes?
Prime Minister: Fuck the Chinese ─ majority of them are already with DAP but fortunately there’re still many stupid Chinese who actually bought the idea of 1Malaysia. I was surprised to see the power of Facebook and Twitter. Believe it or not, a huge number of young Chinese actually like me especially my 1Malaysia scam as if I was serious about it. Gosh, I just like my country ─ there’re fools everywhere, you know. So unlike 2008 general election, I have bigger slice of Chinese votes with me now.
Obama: And the Indians?
Prime Minister: Aha, the Indian, they have been divided for good ever since those HIndraf troublemakers were put into ISA, brainwashed, threatened and released thereafter. Seriously I was wrong when I thought the Iban and Kadazan in Sarawak were the stupidest. At least they exchanged their votes for cold-cash. But the Indian, you just need to promise them peanuts and they would come hugging and crying to you as if you’re Mahatma Gandhi. Their votes are ours, bro.
Obama: How about the Malays then?
Prime Minister: Hahaha, this people are the easiest meat of all. Remember how Mahathir tricked that old senile Nik Aziz into the “Hudud” trap? One thing you’ve to learn is how to play the Malay’s sentiment and emotion. Religion is the short-cut to get their votes, as simple as that.
Obama: Very interesting, Mr PM. But that Anwar keeps on drumming about corruptions everywhere he goes, even to the toilet cleaning lady. Aren’t you worried?
Prime Minister: Of course not, silly. You see, Malays are least disturbed about corruption otherwise they would have kicked that old good-for-nothing Mahathir long time ago already. Most of them consider corruption as “Rezeki”, just like luck or jackpot, you know, like those slot machines people keep on pulling that you see in the casinos.
Obama: Oh yes, I played that before but I hate it because I lost my 100 bucks super fast. So, what’s the best way to swing the Malays votes, besides playing the religion cards since the racial cards doesn’t work anymore now?
Prime Minister: Well, SEX, of course ─ that’s why I won’t be sending Anwar behind bars anytime soon, because I still need to slap him with more sex allegations, if required, to keep the dance going. Hmm, thinking of sex, I consider myself lucky not to be caught with my pants down like that Chua Soi Lek, during my Port Dickson trip some years ago. I would be dead meat if there’re video recordings of me doing that “naughty things”, you know what I mean?
Obama: This is awesome. But how do you address the issue of escalating cost of living? You gotta solve Malays’ bread and butter problem, don’t you?
Prime Minister: That’s easy, my CREAM, I mean KR1M (Kedai Rakyat 1 Malaysia) works like a charm. Just get that Mydin fella to push some leftover, I mean low-quality products at extremely cheap price and they would be treating me like a God ─ bunch of fools, aren’t they?
Obama: Impressive Mr PM!!! Oh, one more thing (*act like Steve Jobs*). What if the opposition does win the next general election with simple majority?
Prime Minister: That won’t happen, Obama, because we’ve put in place hundreds of thousands of “friendly new voters” after the illegal workers registration, just like the Project-M in Sabah. We’ve police, army, election commission, judges, rulers and whatnot behind us. We can’t possibly lose the general election. Even if we lose by simple majority, we’ll buy them back within hours after the result. There’re still many political prostitutes within opposition camp, you know, like that Hee-Apa-Nama?
Obama: (*laugh*) … Yeah, heard about that frog. But what if there’re not enough frogs to switch to your sides? That would be disastrous, won’t it?
Prime Minister: Hmm, we’ll drag our feat on the official election results and create smokescreens and diversions. We’ll get the King to proclaim us as the winner anyway.
Obama: My goodness, that would make many people furious and they may take to the street. So … (*was interrupted*)
Prime Minister: Aha, that’s where my new (*proud*) “Peaceful Assembly Bill” comes into play. I was so proud of my latest strategy that I couldn’t sleep for two nights. Even Mahathir was so proud of me he kept calling me to congratulate me. I can’t possibly think of how the people can demonstrate when the proposed Act bans street demonstrations while prohibiting public gatherings in petrol stations, hospitals, fire stations, airports, railways, land public transport terminals, ports, canals, docks, bridges, places of worship, kindergartens, schools, dams and reservoirs.
Furthermore, with the 30 days notice required prior to the assembly, the police would have more than enough time to comb every rat’s hole and arrest the organisers, so another Bersih-like protest cannot possibly happen. And … blah blah blah
Obama: (*yawn yawn*) … that’s a genius plan, Mr PM. But what if the people uprising do happen because of such suppression? You know, the one like the Middle East …
Prime Minister: Stop being ridiculous. We’re not like the Middle East and that means the Malaysian people are still very naive about true demonstration. Simply put, Malaysians people are still very naive about true demonstration. Malaysians do not have the stamina for massive and days of protests. They can only stand for a couple of hours. After that they would need to go back for their dinner and watch their Akademi Fantasia. They’re too pampered to miss their TV or Astro shows or mamak’s session to sleep on the streets.
Obama: (*speechless and impressed with the Prime Minister’s intelligence*)