Bank customer fights back...

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Statuswhich I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD?)

Where there's a will, there's a way...

Flashback to summer of 2004...

Mexico, here I come!

I have booked my flight ticket to Mexico online, here are the details...

Outbound: Fri. 25 June 04, 1 stop(s) Trip duration:13h40
--------------------------------------------------------
Dep 10:15 Fri Terminal 2, Heathrow (LHR), London, United Kingdom Arr 12:25 Fri Terminal 2F, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris, France Non-stopAir France (AF 1271) Airplane type - 319

Connection
-----------
12:25 Fri - 13:15 Fri Change plane and terminal From Terminal 2F, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris to Terminal 2E, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris Stop-over duration: 0h50

Dep 13:15 Fri Terminal 2E, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris, France Arr 17:55 Fri Juarez Int'l (MEX), Mexico City, Mexico Non-stop Air France (AF 438) Airplane type - 744
Inbound: Wed. 22 September 04, 1 stop(s) Trip duration: 12h40
-------------------------------------------------------------

Dep 20:30 Wed Juarez Int'l (MEX), Mexico City, Mexico Arr 14:00 Thu Terminal 2E, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris, France Non-stopAir France (AF 439) Airplane type - 744

Connection
-----------
14:00 Thu - 15:00 ThuChange plane and terminal From Terminal 2E, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris to Terminal 2F, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris Stop-over duration: 1h00

Dep 15:00 Thu Terminal 2F, Charles De Gaulle (CDG), Paris, France Arr 15:10 Thu Terminal 2, Heathrow (LHR), London, United Kingdom Non-stopAir France (AF 1870) Airplane type - 320

I shifted my departure dates (both outbound and inbound since my tourist permit will only allow a maximum of 90 days and I am trying to make the mostout of it!) to a few days earlier than planned when I found out that I could save up to £50 (from £512.30 to £462.30). It's quite a good bargain (the ticket price was actually below £400 but airport taxes are hefty) since if I were to book one after the 30th of June (July to October is the peak travel season), airtickets would range from £600 onwards... haha, almost the price for a ticket to Malaysia, no?? =.)

Domestic air travel within Mexico is extremely expensive (around £200 from Mexico City to another major city) so the initial plan now is for me to board on the next bus and head for Elizabeth's friend's place in another city nearer to Mexico City, Puebla.Elizabeth's old university is in that city too, I might get the chance to hang around since her friend's sister is still studying there. Basically, I will be under the 'care' of her friend's family first since both Elizabeth and her siblings are not in her city.

After a month or so, I should be in Oaxaca (pronounced as "Wahaka" for some unexplained reasons)... supposed to be a major tourist site, you can check out the website : http://www.oaxaca.gob.mx/ By then, Elizabeth's sister who is coming over to Essex in a few weeks' time, should be back in Oaxaca. Elizabeth herself is due to come back sometime September, hopefully a week or two before I leave Mexico.

Good news! I've spoken to my Spanish teacher about the possibility of me skipping Elementary Spanish next academic year to the next level, Intermediate after my Mexico trip. She was very encouraging (I suppose Elementary Spanish isn't that difficult huh?) and she is going to give me a list of what to cover in my Spanish in order to do Intermediate. I won't need any formal qualifications (meaning I won't need to attend a proper school or sit for an exam in Mexico, yay!)but I'll probably need to undergo a short assessment (written and oral) when course starts in October...sounds really cool especially since doing a language course in the university as an extra subject costs £400 a year! Not that I planned to, but if I can do Intermediate Spanish in my second year, I will have the option of doing the next level of Spanish OR do a Politics or International Relations option in my final year instead. The list of courses for my third year is extensive, especially since some courses are also available for postgraduate MA students.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth is trying to look for various job/voluntary options for me in Mexico to make the most out of my stay there... I might decide on attending some formal classes, say 2 hours a week, if it isn't too expensive. Anyway, I will bring the Elementary Spanish workbook along and work things out once I am there.

When I am finally done with my exams, I will have to make a trip to the Mexican Embassy in London. As a Malaysian passport holder, I won't need a tourist visa if I stay not more than 90 days but I will still need a tourist permit. It's a bit tricky, according to the website, http://www.mexicanconsulate.org.uk/ I will need an orginal return air ticket which I don't have since I've booked it online (called the tech-savye-ticket). Anyway, I've written an e-mail to the Embassy enquiring on this. Also, I'll need to show letters of proof of financial means (btw, do I have my birth certificate with me? I might need it to prove that I am your daughter who is still financially-dependent *wink*) *sigh* The boring red-tape bit... *fingers-crossed* I can get all the necessary documents and I will be able to obtain my permit within the promised two days (and save myself another London trip!).

I'll probably need a travel insurance too huh? How much does my Prudential insurance cover me?? It'squite costly for three months although there are cheaper 'backpacker' ones. Plus, is the ringgit's exchange with the Mexican peso favourable? Should I convert the sterling here into peso or...?? I hope the pound is still doing strong in the forex market... ;)

Speaking of money, I have started working in theStudent Union's cafe. But because I am new, I won't get regular shifts and would have to look-out for emergency empty shifts, basically 'covering' for the senior staff who are doing their final exams. Wonder if I could get a temporary job (for a week or two)after my exams?? Erm, that will depend on when K-Ma actually arrives London...

ANYWAY, enough about Mexico and money... I am going to leave that aside and focus on my exams, first one is on Thursday. Should be *okay* since I have been quite consistent through the year, although I am still a bit worried with my International Relations. Didn't do very well for my IR essays, but I still have two weeks to work on it *fingers-crossed*!

Oooh, just received an e-mail from the Mexican Embassy saying that they accept electronic tickets! Better print mine out before I forget....That's about it for now...

I am running to the library to renew a short loan book (it's for four hours but if you borrow it after 6pm, you can have it the whole night and return it the next day before 10am), I'll write again soon!

cheng~*

(takes after her mother, the nomad)

Fodder for bashing

These days, every time a Minister makes a statement, it is open to scrutiny and criticisms in the mushrooming websites and blogsites. Many statements, especially those impromptu ones when asked by reporters, were downright arrogant and stupid.

From Rantings by Marina Mahathir:

Monday, November 5, 2007
How to Insult the Rakyat in One Fell Swoop
Another gem from our Nazri...

Nation
Monday November 5, 2007
MYT 3:17:13 PM

Instilling integrity will take time, says Nazri

By PAUL CHOO

KUALA LUMPUR: Efforts to instill integrity among the rakyat is still in its infancy stage, said Minister in the Prime Minister's Department Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz.

He said the National Integrity Plan (NIP) was only launched in 2004, and it would require at least five years before any change could be evident.

"The Malaysia Integrity Institute (IIM) will be preparing a report at the end of the five-year period to assess its achievements.

"It takes time for this concept to truly sink in. We hope there will be improvements very soon, especially among those in the public sector," he said.

Nazri was referring to the Attorney-General's report on mismanagement in government administration and the waste of taxpayers’ income and tax payments.

He however stressed that the report was not a fair reflection of the rakyat's level of integrity at present because the mismanagements were committed two to three years ago by a few black sheep.

Nazri said, "This does not mean that action should not be taken against them. These black sheep should be held responsible.

"Apart from that, I'm sure that within these few years we have improved well, but we will have to wait for IIM's report first before we can make any deductions," he said.

Speaking to reporters after opening the National Integrity Day at IIM here Monday, Nazri said Malaysians should not be pessimistic of the Government's efforts to instill integrity.

Such thinking, he said, would only dampen all efforts.

I looked up the word 'integrity' and this was the definition: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values. So in saying that instilling integrity among the rakyat will take time, Nazri is basically saying that right now, the rakyat don't have much adherence to moral or artistic values. Moral values such as honesty for instance.

I was not aware that the whole integrity issue involved the rakyat as such. As Nazri himself then goes on to say, it's about public servants and their integrity. The fact that they are not being honest in their dealings, as evidenced in the Auditor-General's report. So it's not about instilling these int eh rakyat, it's about instilling these in the public service. And he thinks it will take five years! And in the meantime, we'll have to put up with five more abysmal AG's reports?

Funny that he pre-empts the IIM's report! If the rest of us ever tried to do that, he'd say we were convicting people before they were found guilty!

Mind you he's not the only idiot. Here's another:

Sparks fly even before start of Umno assembly
KUALA LUMPUR: The Umno general assembly begins today but the sparks have started to fly with one politician hitting out at the English media for carrying opposition reports.

Information Minister Datuk Seri Zainuddin Maidin said some media were being used by the opposition to highlight their causes now that there was greater press freedom and transparency. (There is???!!!)

“Since it has been free, there are some mainstream papers which favour those who do not support the Government. (Which ones???!!!)

“Some are done in an indirect manner and some directly, especially in English papers,” he said when speaking to student leaders at the Overseas Umno Club leadership course here yesterday.

Citing the judiciary issue as an example, Information Minister Datuk Seri Zainuddin Maidin said the media had its own agenda.

“For example, (the Sultan of Perak) Sultan Azlan Shah’s speech talked about various issues but what was only highlighted was the teguran (warning) on the judiciary,” he said. (I saw his admonition on lawyers also reported. But anyway, must tegur those who need to be tegur'dlah kan?)

Zainuddin also claimed that young Malays such as Azmi Sharom and Amir Muhammad were being used by English papers to attack the Malays. (I don't remember anything these two ever did to attack Malays, do you? Guess I'm not young enough to be mentioned :-()

He said there was one case that raised “doubts over the media’s purpose” was the recent reporting of Port Klang assemblymen Datuk Zakaria Mat Deros’ new mansion although he had been cleared of corruption.

“The case is already over. He took orphans to his new house but what was highlighted was how big the house is,” he said. (Oh my my...but Zak said that these orphans would never have had a chance to sleep in such a big house otherwise...am sure the orphans were thrilled to then have to go back to their nice luxurious orphanage afterwards...)

Zainuddin also took a potshot at former deputy prime minister Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim and claimed that he was not being truthful about the video clip on the alleged judge-brokering.

“The video clip is creating tunjuk perasaan (protest). This party has already been rejected by the community and only has one seat in Parliament yet they are trying to cause trouble.

“During his (Anwar’s) time, there was restrictions and he had his people in the media Now that the Prime Minister is more transparent, he is using that to attack the Malays,” he added. (Um, um, um...I can't top this....)

"Funny how Zam only mentions English papers. You mean the BM and Chinese ones all very compliant, are they?"

Never on Sunday

for there is motivation to rest.

Prophets of Doom?

Lately we have been reminded of the impending collapse of the American economy as a result of the sub-prime loan crisis and ‘level 3’ asset portfolios. Sub-prime loans and ‘level 3’ asset portfolios are phrases which we have never heard of before.

The latter term, to the local and HK Chinese, is likely to suggest soft porn films. To some, it sounds like ‘lavatory’. But to the writer, Martin Hutchinson, it is more like ‘toxic waste’ in investment bankers’ balance sheets.

“We may be about to find out. From November 15, we will have a new tool for figuring out how much toxic waste is in investment banks' balance sheets. The new US accounting rule SFAS157 requires banks to divide their tradable assets into three "levels" according to how easy it is to get a market price for them. Level 1 assets have quoted prices in active markets. At the other extreme Level 3 assets have only unobservable inputs to measure value and are thus valued by reference to the banks' own models.”

“Goldman Sachs has disclosed its Level 3 assets, two quarters before it would be compelled to do so in the period ending February 29, 2008. Their total was $72 billion, which at first sight looks reasonable because it is only 8% of total assets. However the problem becomes more serious when you realize that $72 billion is twice Goldman's capital of $36 billion. In an extreme situation therefore, Goldman's entire existence rests on the value of its Level 3 assets.

The same presumably applies to other major investment banks - since they employ traders and risk managers with similar educations, operating in a similar culture, they probably have Level 3 assets of around twice capital. Citigroup, J P Morgan Chase and Bank of America may have less since their culture is different; before 1999 those institutions were pure commercial banks and a substantial part of their business still lies in retail commercial banking, an area in which the investment banks are not represented and Level 3 assets are scarce.”

"The reason analysts should worry is that not only are Level 3 assets subject to eccentric valuation by the institution holding them, but the ability to write up their value in good times and get paid bonuses based on their capital uplift brings a temptation that few on Wall Street appear capable of resisting. Both Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch are reported to have made profits of more than $1 billion on their holdings of Level 3 assets in the first half of 2007, for example, profits on which bonuses will no doubt be paid at the end of their fiscal years. Given that we have had five good years on Wall Street, years in which nobody has known the amount of Level 3 assets on banks' balance sheets, and no significant media waves have been made questioning their valuation methodologies, it would not be surprising if many banks' Level 3 assets had become seriously overstated, even without any downturn having occurred.”

”When Nomura Securities sold its mortgage portfolio and exited the US mortgage business in this quarter, it took a write-off of 28% of the portfolio's value, slightly above the 27% of the portfolio that was represented by subprime mortgage assets. Were Goldman Sachs's Level 3 assets similarly value-impaired, it would result in a $20 billion write-off, more than half Goldman's capital, leaving the bank severely damaged albeit probably still in existence.”

"Defenders of Goldman Sachs and the rest of Wall Street will insist that less than 27% of their Level 3 assets are represented by subprime mortgages yet that is hardly the point. Subprime mortgages, estimated to cause losses of $400-500 billion to the market as a whole, though only a fraction of that to Wall Street, have been only the first of the Level 3 asset disasters to surface. There is huge potential for further losses among assets whose value has never been solidly based. These would include the following:

Mortgages other than subprime mortgages. With the decline in house prices accelerating, the assumptions on which even prime mortgages were made are being exposed as fallacious. As house prices decline, debt to equity ratios increase, and for mortgages with an original loan-to-value ratio of 90% or more, quickly pass the 100% at which a mortgage becomes uncovered. If the value of conventional mortgages decline many securities related to them, currently classed as Level 1 or 2 assets, will become un-marketable and descend into Level 3.”

“Securitized credit card obligations. $915 billion of credit card debt is currently outstanding, the majority of it securitized, and its default rate is likely to soar as the full effects of the home mortgage market's crack-up spread to the credit card area. The risks in Level 3 portfolios derived from this asset class arise particularly in the areas of complex derivatives and manufactured assets based on credit card debt pools.”

“Complex derivatives contracts. Even simple interest rate swaps and currency swaps caused large losses in the last significant credit tightening in 1994, although most of those losses were suffered by Wall Street's customers rather than Wall Street itself. The more complex transactions that have been devised during the last 12 giddy years are much more likely to prove impossible either to sell or to hedge. Goldman Sachs reported that in the third quarter of 2007 its profits on derivatives used for hedging more or less matched its losses on subprime mortgages. It is likely in reality that the bulk of those profits were incurred through model-based write-ups of value on contracts that were within the Level 3 category - after all, Goldman's Level 3 assets increased by a third during the quarter. It's not much good shorting to match a long position you don't like if your hedging shorts prove to be impossible to close out."

Earlier, we have come across explanation of how the US seems to thrive on being the world’s biggest spender, fed by loans from the world’s biggest eager producers of goods.

Together with the subprime loans and ‘level 3’ asset portfolios write-offs, we seem to be heading towards the world’s greatest financial tsunami which will inevitably affect Malaysia. Before this phenomenon, even when US sneezes, we catch a cold. I cannot imagine what the situation is going to be – ‘The Great Depression of the Millenium’ or ‘The Greatest Depression Ever’?