How an idiot got into Heaven

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven, where the Devil was standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, it was agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and had to conclude that everything was there. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

The idiot went to Heaven.

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Another take on NFC

If not for arrogance and penchant for luxury, NFC could have escaped the radar of the critics.

Instead of buying luxury condominiums in Bangsar and Singapore, the directors should have bought large tracts of land which would serve their primary purpose of breeding cattle. Had they bought land instead, they would have benefited from substantial appreciation in value.

Even with my simple mind, I can think of tracts of land divided into individual farms which could be rented out to individual farmers, on condition that they rear only cattle. Just imagine the image to any outsider who does not bother to check out the real deal. Or...

Instead of the reduced number of cattle from 8,000 to below 6,000 heads, they could have bought more cattle which could have given a favourable impression that they were doing the right thing. For say, Rm30 million, they could have bought 30,000 heads of cattle at Rm1,000 each, or 10,000 at Rm3,000 each, depending on the current price. I bet substantial increase in number would have silenced some critics, after all we are dealing with public perception.

Hypothetically, having a soft loan at 2% pa interest, the directors could have just borrowed from the government and put in FD at a conservative 3% pa, and enjoy a yearly Rm2.5 million in net income without doing anything. If a claim that the loan repayment does not set in until the full Rm250 million has been disbursed was true, then borrowing Rm249 million (just short of 1 million), they could have almost Rm7.5 million yearly! Enough for decent company cars and directors' remuneration. Just to show how ludicrous government aid could be easily abused if not properly monitored. (It has been reported that the loan at 2% pa is repayable over 17 years starting from 2013, after a grace period of 3 years, instead of the above notion 'that the loan repayment does not set in...' It is still a damn good deal by any standard.)

Recent statements by PM and other ministers did not make sense. What people expect from 'assets are frozen' is when bank accounts are frozen and directors effectively suspended from their positions and duties while the company is being run by someone appointed by the government and investigations are being carried out. But according to NFC official, it is 'business as usual' and the only thing frozen is probably the beef!

The NFC case has caught the attention of many people because of its ease at getting a large amount of soft loan at incredibly favourable terms, which was misused to pay overgenerous directors' remuneration, buy luxury car and condominiums. NFC has caused envy among fellow Malaysians. No doubt it is likely to be a liability to BN and a good point to use by PR in the coming general election. If the directors' rationale for buying condominiums is good investments, then everyone of us would like the government to lend us the money to do so.

By the way, the following could be a true story which shows financial returns from investment in property could be so rewarding. Maybe the directors of NFC were wise in this sense, but not when it involved public funds meant for a specific venture...

A Singapore millionaire, LKA, who secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000. The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005. The affair lasted for 5 years.

He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus 5 years of FREE SEX.

When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy ..., and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful... She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said... "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL" !!! ... Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!

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'Never the twain shall meet'

According to Wikipedia:

'The Ballad of East and West' is a poem by Rudyard Kipling. It was first published in 1889, and has been much collected and anthologised since. Its first line is often quoted, sometimes as an example of Kipling's attitudes to race and to the Empire; but those who quote it thus often completely miss the third and fourth lines. It is worth quoting the refrain which opens, and closes, the poem in full:

Oh, East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,
Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat;
But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
When two strong men stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!

This may be read as saying that 'it is indisputable that geographic points of the compass will never meet in this life, but that when two strong men [or equals] meet, the accidents of birth, whether of nationality, race, or family, do not matter at all - the Asian and the European are equals'.

According to dictionary.reference.com:

'The culture of the West ( Europe and the Americas) will always be very different from that of the East ( Asia). ( Twain means “two.”) This saying is part of the refrain of “The Ballad of East and West,” a poem by Rudyard Kipling.'

As an English literature dropout, I was reminded of the quote when I first saw these two pictures showing meetings of contrasts:

Skagden, Denmark, where Baltic Sea and North Sea meet...

Favelas of Brazil: contrast poverty with wealth...

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How long does it take for certain items to decompose?

I wish we can involve everyone in efforts to recycle things. I am particularly surprised and disappointed that we do not have people interested in recycling glass, which takes over a million years to decompose!

Think before we leave things to decompose...

Paper Towel - 2-4 weeks

Banana Peel - 3-4 weeks

Paper Bag - 1 month

Newspaper - 1.5 months

Apple Core - 2 months

Cardboard - 2 months

Cotton Glove - 3 months

Orange peels - 6 months

Plywood - 1-3 years

Wool Sock - 1-5 years

Milk Cartons - 5 years

Cigarette Butts - 10-12 years

Leather shoes - 25-40 years

Tinned Steel Can - 50 years

Foamed Plastic Cups - 50 years

Rubber-Boot Sole - 50-80 years

Plastic containers - 50-80 years

Aluminum Can - 200-500 years

Plastic Bottles - 450 years

Disposable Diapers - 550 years

Monofilament Fishing Line - 600 years

Plastic Bags - 200-1000 years

Glass - 1-2 million years
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Obama-Najib tete-a-tete

author unknown (we have a number of good 'made-up' artists, maybe someone could enlighten me); treat it with a pinch of salt while you have a good laugh; as for its authenticity, only if you believe the President and our PM are on first-name terms...

Obama: Mr PM, I’m still curious … Did you actually plan to call for a snap election on 11-11-11?
Prime Minister: Of course, but I missed it due to unforeseen reason (*sigh*)

Obama: Gee, it must be very important for you to miss it since the date was your lucky number. I wonder what could be so serious.
Prime Minister: It was my fault really ─ I’ve forgotten that 11-11-11 was also another auspicious date for love couples. So Auntie Rosy somehow insisted we must romantically spend some times together. One thing leads to another and you know … by the time I realized it, it was too late to announce it (*grin*).

Obama: So, since you missed the date, does that mean it will be next year?
Prime Minister: Don’t be silly, it’s just some numbers. Besides, there is still 11-12-11, 11-1-12 or even 11-11-12. I can still make a surprise after the UMNO general assembly later, you know. So it could be this year after all. It’s so funny to see how the opposition and my enemies within UMNO keep guessing when I’ll call the snap election.

Obama: Talk about UMNO general assembly, wouldn’t it be too dangerous to let your, you know, your enemies attack you?
Prime Minister: Oh! You meant the 3M team? Worry not, Auntie Rosy already despatched a messenger to the old man that if he wish to see his son becomes future Prime Minister, he better STFU (shut-the-fuck-up) or else Auntie Rosy would personally give some Birkin handbags to Anwar’s wife. So the old fox got the message crystal clear.

Obama: That’s brilliant. But did it goes well with the other team member? You know … your deputy?
Prime Minister: Aha, that fella … Well, what’s the hottest talk-about issue now?

Obama: Well, of course the ”Lam-Boo” (Lembu) … I mean, the CowGate … I mean, the NFC (National Feedlot Corporation) scandal, of course.
Prime Minister: Precisely, you don’t think I delayed the release of the audit report for no apparent reason, do you?

Obama: Jesus Christ, it was you who started the fire, didn’t you? But I don’t get it because I thought that woman would not think twice about licking your yellow pair of boots to get Senatorship.
Prime Minister: Yes, she definitely would do that but she would lick it twice as fast my enemy’s boots too. So I need to send a message, just in case she was thinking about stabbing me at the back. That “Cowboy” would definitely think twice about revolting against me. Hey, I’m very skilful in this area, you know, after the 1987’s Team-A and Team-B fight.

Obama: Of course, I believe I was briefed about that somewhere. So, I supposed this year’s general assembly would be another boring event, huh?
Prime Minister: Nope, it would be the ultimate and final ring to bash the opposition before I call for the general election (*oops*). So, the Chinese will get whacked, the Indian will get whacked, Anwar will get whacked and whatnot. Most importantly I would be able to see my true supporters before I finalise the candidates. Heck, I may even do a cabinet reshuffle right after the general assembly. So I think my pair of yellow boots will get super wet (*proud*).

Obama: No worry Mr PM, I’m sure your boots would get cleaned up every minute. But seriously, are you ready for a snap election? What about the Chinese votes?
Prime Minister: Fuck the Chinese ─ majority of them are already with DAP but fortunately there’re still many stupid Chinese who actually bought the idea of 1Malaysia. I was surprised to see the power of Facebook and Twitter. Believe it or not, a huge number of young Chinese actually like me especially my 1Malaysia scam as if I was serious about it. Gosh, I just like my country ─ there’re fools everywhere, you know. So unlike 2008 general election, I have bigger slice of Chinese votes with me now.

Obama: And the Indians?
Prime Minister: Aha, the Indian, they have been divided for good ever since those HIndraf troublemakers were put into ISA, brainwashed, threatened and released thereafter. Seriously I was wrong when I thought the Iban and Kadazan in Sarawak were the stupidest. At least they exchanged their votes for cold-cash. But the Indian, you just need to promise them peanuts and they would come hugging and crying to you as if you’re Mahatma Gandhi. Their votes are ours, bro.

Obama: How about the Malays then?
Prime Minister: Hahaha, this people are the easiest meat of all. Remember how Mahathir tricked that old senile Nik Aziz into the “Hudud” trap? One thing you’ve to learn is how to play the Malay’s sentiment and emotion. Religion is the short-cut to get their votes, as simple as that.

Obama: Very interesting, Mr PM. But that Anwar keeps on drumming about corruptions everywhere he goes, even to the toilet cleaning lady. Aren’t you worried?
Prime Minister: Of course not, silly. You see, Malays are least disturbed about corruption otherwise they would have kicked that old good-for-nothing Mahathir long time ago already. Most of them consider corruption as “Rezeki”, just like luck or jackpot, you know, like those slot machines people keep on pulling that you see in the casinos.

Obama: Oh yes, I played that before but I hate it because I lost my 100 bucks super fast. So, what’s the best way to swing the Malays votes, besides playing the religion cards since the racial cards doesn’t work anymore now?
Prime Minister: Well, SEX, of course ─ that’s why I won’t be sending Anwar behind bars anytime soon, because I still need to slap him with more sex allegations, if required, to keep the dance going. Hmm, thinking of sex, I consider myself lucky not to be caught with my pants down like that Chua Soi Lek, during my Port Dickson trip some years ago. I would be dead meat if there’re video recordings of me doing that “naughty things”, you know what I mean?

Obama: This is awesome. But how do you address the issue of escalating cost of living? You gotta solve Malays’ bread and butter problem, don’t you?
Prime Minister: That’s easy, my CREAM, I mean KR1M (Kedai Rakyat 1 Malaysia) works like a charm. Just get that Mydin fella to push some leftover, I mean low-quality products at extremely cheap price and they would be treating me like a God ─ bunch of fools, aren’t they?

Obama: Impressive Mr PM!!! Oh, one more thing (*act like Steve Jobs*). What if the opposition does win the next general election with simple majority?
Prime Minister: That won’t happen, Obama, because we’ve put in place hundreds of thousands of “friendly new voters” after the illegal workers registration, just like the Project-M in Sabah. We’ve police, army, election commission, judges, rulers and whatnot behind us. We can’t possibly lose the general election. Even if we lose by simple majority, we’ll buy them back within hours after the result. There’re still many political prostitutes within opposition camp, you know, like that Hee-Apa-Nama?

Obama: (*laugh*) … Yeah, heard about that frog. But what if there’re not enough frogs to switch to your sides? That would be disastrous, won’t it?
Prime Minister: Hmm, we’ll drag our feat on the official election results and create smokescreens and diversions. We’ll get the King to proclaim us as the winner anyway.

Obama: My goodness, that would make many people furious and they may take to the street. So … (*was interrupted*)
Prime Minister: Aha, that’s where my new (*proud*) “Peaceful Assembly Bill” comes into play. I was so proud of my latest strategy that I couldn’t sleep for two nights. Even Mahathir was so proud of me he kept calling me to congratulate me. I can’t possibly think of how the people can demonstrate when the proposed Act bans street demonstrations while prohibiting public gatherings in petrol stations, hospitals, fire stations, airports, railways, land public transport terminals, ports, canals, docks, bridges, places of worship, kindergartens, schools, dams and reservoirs.
Furthermore, with the 30 days notice required prior to the assembly, the police would have more than enough time to comb every rat’s hole and arrest the organisers, so another Bersih-like protest cannot possibly happen. And … blah blah blah

Obama: (*yawn yawn*) … that’s a genius plan, Mr PM. But what if the people uprising do happen because of such suppression? You know, the one like the Middle East …
Prime Minister: Stop being ridiculous. We’re not like the Middle East and that means the Malaysian people are still very naive about true demonstration. Simply put, Malaysians people are still very naive about true demonstration. Malaysians do not have the stamina for massive and days of protests. They can only stand for a couple of hours. After that they would need to go back for their dinner and watch their Akademi Fantasia. They’re too pampered to miss their TV or Astro shows or mamak’s session to sleep on the streets.

Obama: (*speechless and impressed with the Prime Minister’s intelligence*)

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