Homecoming in UK?

With our 3 children already in UK, our trip on July 17 seems like a homecoming and family reunion.

We were driven to Colchester by Cheng's boyfriend from Heathrow and the first impression was the unusual heat which later was reported to be a record at 102 degrees! As most buildings, cars and buses were built with the cold weather in mind, hot weather means very poor ventilation and usually no air-conditioning like what we are used to in Malaysia.

With our son in Dartford, darting here and there, presently in London to attend a friend's wedding, and a daughter in Canterbury, our family reunion can only take place at Cheng's convocation this Friday.

By the way, I am using a German's computer with a German keyboard (among other things, imagine 'y' and 'z' interchanged) and you can understand the problem I am having typing this out! Even the homepage was set on www.lemonde.fr.

Our journey actually started at 11.30pm in Batu Gajah to Ipoh. Dr Yee had to drive us to Bercham to catch Yoyo's coach to KLIA which took only 3 hours to arrive at 5am. It was very convenient as we could just walk in to take a lift to departure lounge to check-in. We were too early as usual with the allowance of more time for just in case. No choice but to pay Rm6.90 for a cup of tea! Good training for what to expect in England when we pay in pounds!

Our first experience with Thai Airways turned out to be very pleasant with good service and food. Transfer at Bangkok airport, I experienced a thorough frisking by a lady officer because coins in my pocket triggered the sensor she was holding.

We seemed to be losing out on tourism to the Thais as I estimated the passengers were 80% whites, mostly returning after a holiday.

Well, spending too much time retyping because of the different keyboard, time to sign off. Bye!

Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian , using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals..... That, my friends, is Globalization.

Bridge over troubled water

Never fail to be a friend indeed when you see a friend in need.

Often the bridge you build over troubled water is the very bridge you yourself may need to cross.

The story is told of a young man hiking through the mountains, when a sudden blinding storm struck. The entire area was covered with deep snow. Before long, the hiker's hands and feet grew numb as he wandered through the storm and snow in search of shelter.

Just then he came upon an older man who had collapsed in the snow. "Are you OK?" asked the hiker.

"I'm so cold and so tired," the weary man stammered. "My legs are numb, and I don't think I have the strength to go any further."

The hiker responded: "Let me help you." He then removed his gloves and began rubbing the man's arms and legs. After several minutes of this gentle massage, the man felt strong enough to stand on his feet.

The two men, supporting each other, made their way through the storm.

Once they reached safety and shelter, the younger man thanked the other for all his help.

"Thank me?" said the older man. "I never would have made it out of there if it wasn't for you. I owe you my life," he said.

"No, you don't understand," responded the younger man. "I was tired, cold, and ready to give up. Helping you gave me the strength and determination to carry on. I owe you everything."

Sportsmanship

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The Queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they), "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away. As she departed, Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything and all that about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows f*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

Old Boys' Network?

What does Tan Sri Azman Hashim, Tan Koon Swan, Botak Chin and myself has in common?

All of us have studied at the Methodist Boys’ Secondary School, Sentul in Kuala Lumpur!

For an obscure school, Tan Sri Azman and Koon Swan stood out, unlike more famous schools like Victoria Institution and St. John’s Institution where such personalities are too many to remember by.

Both of them were ex-classmates of one of my elder brothers. Azman was outstanding in school and I was told even school seniors asked him to help solve mathematical questions. He must have been one of the earliest Malays to qualify as a Chartered Accountant. I believe he must be the only person who, for a short period of time, actually owned Arab Malaysia Bank by himself!

Anyway, with a successful financial institution under his control, his group’s development company was not too outstanding. One of my elder brothers joined his company around 1990 and found that many development properties were not being developed. But his enthusiasm fizzled out after only a few months when he faced opposition from longer serving managers who did not like his proposals in spite of his track record.

My wife and I were at Ambank, Batu Gajah, to hire a safe deposit box. I could not resist telling the lady that her big boss was from the same school as me. She asked me which one and must have found it odd, thinking I was dropping name for better service? Surely no need for big boss for such small matter.

My first meeting with Koon Swan was when I was introduced to join his tuition class in Kasipillay, off Jalan Segambut (to differentiate from those off Jalan Ipoh). One of my classmates introduced me as so and so’s brother and he was so surprised that he quickly told his wife who came out to the sitting room in her wheel chair. To be honest, my first impression of Katherine or Catherine was that she looked very beautiful, fair and like a Japanese lady! She said I looked handsome (ahem) and so different from my brother (only those who know will know what I mean).

Anyway, knowing that though I was in Pure Science class, and I did not intend to take Pure Science subjects, he advised me not to attend his tuition in case I would feel cheated later on.

Koon Swan used to work in the Income Tax Department and he helped in sorting out a tax problem for my father. When my father’s sole proprietorship was transferred to a limited company, he recommended Chan Teik Huat of Kassim Chan & Co., which at that time, was just a small firm of accountants.

The first period of accounts audited, was accompanied by a management letter, with a long list of recommendations on internal control. We followed it to the letter. For example, we stopped exchanging cheques for cash or vice versa, with tenants and others; we banked in all cash received and used an Imprest system for Petty Cash. I was particularly disappointed when soon after, Kassim was suspended for his part in Bank Rakyat case (correct me if I am wrong). How ironic I thought, as auditor advising us smalltimers to keep proper accounts and he himself overlooked big frauds.

When Koon Swan joined Genting Bhd as General Manager, Genting Highlands was still new and considered ‘very far’ and the access road ‘too winding and dangerous’. They were looking for staff and he actually phoned my brother asking if any of our relatives or friends were interested in working there. As I was attending a course, I was not ready then.

By the time I was ready, I went for an interview. Even though I was interested in a hotel job, I was tested as though I was applying for a croupier job! By the time I was interviewed by Ms.SK Lim (boss’s daughter who later became Mrs. Chan of Kassim Chan), I knew I was unsuccessful. Before I could sit down, she asked, “Do you think you know Mr. Tan, you are sure of getting a job here?” Though my memory is deteriorating with age, this sentence had been etched in my memory and like a computer virus, cannot be deleted, even with Alzheimer disease!

Anyway, I wonder what my life would have been if I had a job with Genting. Would I have gone overseas and met my wife as fated?

Anyway, when my father found out that Koon Swan has a brother studying in Leeds, he kept asking his brother to tell me more so that I knew what to do. He was kind enough to change his flight to travel with me and my friend KC, on a Czechoslovakian Airline plane. We stopped over at Prague, where we could see Skoda cars for the first time, at the airport. With another friend, also from Sentul MBS, we hired a Hillman Hunter from Heathrow and four of us travelled on the M1 to Methodist International House in Leeds.

Few months later, Koon Swan and wife visited his brother in Leeds and took him on their tour of Lake District. Their arrival created quite a stir, as the Daimler limousine driven by a uniformed British chauffeur pulled up.

Mrs. Tan had given me a very good impression. One day, she must have phoned my dad and when she knew he was in hospital, she actually visited him! Imagine, someone wheel-chair bound, and yet took the trouble to visit. Many an able-bodied person would have thought of an excuse, and in fact, it is not expected of anyone to visit, under such circumstances. One of my regrets was not to have visited her before she passed on. I have come to realize not to take for granted that we could see someone later and procrastinate until it was too late.

I remember during our first visit to their house in Pantai Hill then, we were shown around the house. We walked up the stairs and met her on the first floor. This gave me the impression they had some sort of lift in the house. Years later, I asked Koon Swan’s brother about the lift and he said, “no lift in the house’. This left me wondering for years.

Recently, there was a write-up in the papers about Rosemary Tan’s project. She said all the detached houses (priced over Rm1 million) have a lift, in memory of her mother, who used a makeshift lift in their old house. Bingo! Again, it was one up for my memory, very reassuring indeed. But I still wonder why her uncle denied it when asked.

Botak Chin was my junior in school and I was told, he was a brother of one of my primary school classmates, who I could not recall at all! At one time, he was “the most wanted man” in Malaysia because of his notoriety and ruthlessness. Nobody knew he was actually holed up in a sawmill a few lots away from our office! When the police surrounded the sawmill, there was an exchange of gunfire and I could hear the gunshots from our office. After his arrest, the owner (an old man) of the sawmill was charged for harbouring a wanted man. It took a lot of trouble and expense and with the help of Dr. Tan Chee Khoon before he was released. A distant relative of mine who was Botak Chin's neighbour in the railway quarters next to Caltex station in Jalan Ipoh actually helped in his funeral arrangements after he was hanged.

I believe Botak Chin (surname Wong) must be connected with some gangsters in the squatter area behind our land. I knew of a number of neighbours who became gangsters because of poverty and poor upbringing. There was a time when most of them were doing well as pimps, each having a girl on his motorcycle!

We used to have a coffee shop stall at the front part of the land. The woman running the stall never paid us rental for years. Her brothers were local gangsters. I was told, one night, they had gang fight with those further up Jalan Ipoh and came back to our place and quickly closed the gate. I could not help thinking "like High Chapparel"!

Mind your language

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Ashley who found a small bottle.

When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true."

John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. John was ecstatic.

Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer".

The last of them was Ashley. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "Shit!!!!!!!........."

Moral of the story : Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.

We are natural-born liars...

We have evolved to lie because it is an effective strategy for human survival, says a British psychologist, as reported in The Sun by Jacqueline Ann Surin.

KUALA LUMPUR: "Every one of us is a natural-born liar. All of us are," says renown British psychologist Prof Richard Wiseman.

Although lying is actually difficult to do convincingly, we've evolved to lie because it is an effective strategy for human survival, he said.

"There is also some evidence from observational studies that some animals lie," he said, citing elephants and the famous talking gorilla Koko, who was trained in American Sign Language at Stanford University in California.

Wiseman says his research has found that 40% of three-year-olds who have just learnt to speak, and 100% of five-year-olds lie, and among adults, 83% of people lie in job interviews and 90% lie on dates.

"Some lying helps bond society together, although some people may manipulate it," he said when presenting a talk on "How to Catch a Liar" at a session of the British Council's Cafe Scientifique last Monday.

People, he said, lie because they can get some gain for nothing if not caught.

Wiseman, who started his working life as an award-winning professional magician, currently holds the only chair in the Public Understanding of Psychology at the University of Hertfordshire.

A passionate advocate of science, he has gained an international reputation for research into unusual areas of psychology, including deception, luck and the paranormal.

He is also the author of the best-selling book The Luck Factor.

Lying is very difficult to detect, Wiseman says, adding that police, judges and polygraph operators have only a 56% accuracy rate, just slightly above the 50% accuracy rate arising from chance alone.

But there are some signals that one can look out for, he says.

Contrary to popular belief, liars do not look away, move their hands and arms more, talk more, or move around in their seats.

"It's a complete myth that the eyes give you away when you're lying. It's not clear where that myth came from.

"Good liars will look you in the eye especially if they are well-rehearsed and do not feel guilty about lying," he says, noting that some people's natural style of interaction may seem shifty because they are actually shy or embarrassed or have low self-esteem.

Wiseman's research, conducted over 12 years, has found visual signals to be the least revealing about when a person is lying because there is a decrease in gestures and body movement.

He says the linguistic approach is the most accurate way to detect a liar. When somebody is lying, there is an increase in pauses, speech errors and response latency and a decrease in speech rate and emotional involvement.

The verbal signals include a decrease in the length of reply, general level of detail, plausibility, links to other events and spontaneous correction.

Liars also use fewer "I"s in their speech and are more impersonal in their description because they need to create emotional distance from their lie.

"If you want to catch somebody lying, listen to the words they use and how they say them," Wiseman says.

However, he also notes that truth tellers typically say they "can't remember" a detail. Liars usually make up the details.

One of Wiseman's best-known studies on lying involved a mass participation experiment examining whether the public is better at detecting lies on television, radio, or in a newspaper.

Sir Robin Day, the well-known British political commentator, was interviewed twice about his favourite film.

In one interview, he told the truth, and in the other he consistently lied.

TV viewers were found to be only 52% accurate in detecting the lie, newspaper readers 64% and radio listeners 73%.

This strongly suggests that visual signals are not reliable indicators of when a person is lying, says Wiseman, who is a fraud detection consultant for several corporations.

He says people with high IQs make good liars because lying requires a lot of thinking. However, this did not mean that people with high IQs were more predisposed to lying.

To detect lying during an interview, he says, it would be more effective to have one other person, who is not doing the interviewing, observe a candidate's words and use of them.

"Good liars are evasive, and will create fantastic distractions from what they're trying to hide. It's what they don't say that's really important. So, it's good to ask the candidate, ÔIf you missed out on any information, would you consider that a lie?'"

He says blind people, rather than children or wives, were extremely good at detecting lies.

But, the people who were the best lie detectors, were prisoners.

"It's because they're immersed in an environment where a lot of lying happens."

Wiseman is of the opinion that the biggest lie is to say "I love you" to one's partner while having an affair, adding that spouses are really bad at detecting each other's lies.

Parents are also poor at detecting their children's lies because their judgment is clouded by emotional ties.

Women were much better at detecting a lie with emotional material and men with factual material.

Tricks of the trade

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Double the troubles?

Lucky Man Marries Thai Twins!(Translated from the Thai Rath Newspaper, 24 March)

After Mr Wichai (Tao), aged 24, from Samut Songkram province, who earns his living by dealing in old goods, got married to gorgeous twins Ms Sirintara and Ms Thipawan 22, he vouched his sincerest 'equal love' for both of them!

Mr Wichai, just yesterday, 23 March, got married in a pompous ceremony to both twins simultaneously.

On being interviewed by the Thai Rath reporters, Mr Wichai declared wholeheartedly, that he didn't see much problem in having to perform tiresome marital duties with two wives.

In the engagement ceremony before the wedding, Mr Wichai successfully offered a dowry of eight baht of gold and 80,000 baht EACH for his lovely darlings.

Both families celebrated the marriage with joy and were said to be delighted for the threesome.

Mr Wichai told the press that he had been best of friends with his neighbouring twins since they were children.

"When I grew older, I would walk past their house each morning and try to decide for myself which one I fancied more, but it was darned impossible - I adored BOTH of them - I just couldn't decide, which one of them to chat up....!" He went on to say, 'For three continuous years all three of us would go on dates together, until there was one day when I couldn't stand the frustration any longer and told them, "I love you and want to marry you BOTH"'

The fortunate Mr Wichai, instead of getting a slap in the face, was overjoyed when both girls admitted to having sworn all along, that they wished to marry the same man!

"It wasn't easy at first, what with the neighbours gossiping, but our family sympathized, understood, and fully supported our mutual love for the one man" the twins said.

Mr Wichai arranged for his brides to live with him, in his family house after the wedding, and his mother has already proudly prepared TWO rooms for the newly-weds.

Our reporters were just gagging to hear the response to this mouth-watering question:- "And.... what are the sleeping arrangements Mr Wichai"? to which he replied modestly with a beaming smile

"Absolutely no problems! For the first three nights of the week, I will sleep with Ms Thipawan and the next three will be spent with Ms Sirintara. As for every Saturday, the three of us will sleep together"

Ms Sirintara finally told the press, "When my twin and I worked as assistant nurses, we promised each other that we would never leave each other's side, and that our future husband would have to either take us both, or leave us.

Anyway, Mr Wichai is the perfect man - he neither smokes nor drinks!"

Case of miscom at telco?

Prepaid cards used to be printed with attractive pictures and are collectibles.

With intense competition among telecommunication companies and to reduce costs, there is now a system whereby an agent can call up for a 16-digit reload number which is then printed and the reload can be done either by the agent or by the buyer later.

The main problem is that for the uninitiated, the numbers printed are similar to thermal paper of fax machines, which deteriorate rapidly and can turn out to be too faint to be readable. So one is advised to write out the numbers for later use.

While I am not too clear how it works between the agent and the telco, I figure that it involves sub-agents of the agent because in case of problem, the person I was dealing with, checked with a daily list comprising of different telcos, in order of time and with details of reload numbers, then she would check with their head office before checking with staff of the relevant telco.

Without the receipt, it can still be traced so long as the date and estimated time are available.

To be fair, my first experience of a problem was with Digi and it was sorted out easily. Last Saturday, on the day of expiry of access period, I went to the local agent to reload my Maxis Hotlink. I did not realize that the reload was not properly effected until when I was in KL trying to contact my friend.

Imagine my surprise, especially having checked before leaving the shop in the presence of the shop assistant. It showed correctly the extended access period, though the balance of Rm35.16 did put me on alert mode. Unfortunately, I did not check the balance before hand and I did call my son in UK the day before. Whenever I am unsure, I also give people the benefit of the doubt.

This morning I could not wait to check with the shop assistant. The first attempt was unsuccessful because she thought I visited them on Friday. Luckily my memory was not too bad and I could remember that I went on Saturday just before leaving for KL. The only Maxis item done by her on that day for Rm30 turned out to be mine. Having checked with the other party (unsure whether it was a staff of her head office which I presumed had the arrangement with the telco, or staff of the telco itself), it was confirmed that the reload was not effected properly, though it showed the period was properly extended. The best part was that the amount of credit was not added properly and I got the correct figure of Rm65.16 which confirmed my initial doubt and more importantly, reassured myself that my memory is still good!

Though the shop assistant reassured me earlier, while sorting out, that it was only a “minor problem”, I replied that the weakness in the system is worrying as I could be caught facing the problem in an emergency. It is one thing to say that it can be easily sorted out but the trouble I had to go through in terms of time, petrol and parking charges put it in a different perspective.

If possible, I will go for the printed card, which can be kept longer for later use and unlikely to create similar problem. But I had to qualify this because I had a problem once when I bought an I-talk card from a stall next to the Income Tax Dept at Jalan Duta. The card could not be used and I noticed that out of the 16 digits, a set of 4 digits, was 7777! This alone made a mockery of the random factor. Perhaps it was part of a syndicate who sold the cards and the shop-keeper had an inkling of the problem, because he was quick to refund me the money!

Why we should be in politics

“one of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors” - Plato.

Most unhappy Groom?

Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar.

Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said... "So why is the groom wearing black?"

British "Complaint Letter of the Year"

The Brits do have a way with words .... a real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL:

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm-midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's littertray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

Put it simply

One day an old man got really ill so his wife went to the doctor and told him that her husband had a lack of energy, a cough, and couldn't get an erection.

The doctor said that there was nothing that he could do until he had a stool, urine, and sperm sample from the man.

When the old woman got home to her husband, he asked, "What did the doctor say?"

She responded, "He wants a pair of your underwear."

A toast to the right person!

A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor.

They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast.

When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."

Nipped in the bud

A guy who had spent his whole life in the desert came to visit his friend.

He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While investigating the area around his friend's house he came across some railway tracks and started walking along them. He heard a whistle "Whoo! Whoo!" but had no idea what it was. Predictably, he was hit. Luckily it was only a glancing blow, but he was knocked to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he went back to his friend's house who threw a "Welcome Home" party for him. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeded to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the noise, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my kettle?"

"Man," replied the desert man "you gotta kill these things when they're young."

So who has the problem?

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"