Crooked bridge?

This bridge is half under the water, for ships to pass and then again, it comes out on the other side. Truly a marvelous piece of engineering!

This bridge is between Sweden and Denmark ... Picture taken from the side of Sweden.
The bridge (or should it be called tunnel) goes under water to allow movement of ships.

Cha Soh Parn Moong (pretends to be stupid and blur)

A police car pulls up in front of grandma's house and grandpa gets out.

The polite policeman takes grandpa to the door and explains to grandma that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

Grandma looked at her husband and said, "You've been going to that park forover 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

My regular breakfast ‘kaki’ was about to order some food in a restaurant in UK. Looking at the menu, he saw under ‘OAP’, the prices were much lower. Without asking, which may appear ignorant, he pointed to the waitress items under OAP. The waitress served without questioning his eligibility.

When he got back to his daughter’s home, he told her and asked what does OAP stand for?

“Old Age Pensioner”!

His daughter was embarrassed because though her dad is 62, to be considered an OAP you have to be above 65. As a visitor, he obviously did not have a card, so he has to admit he must have looked old enough.

A retired gentleman went to Centrelink Office to apply for the Age Pension.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." he said.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Age Pension application.

When he returned home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Centrelink office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got the Disability Pension, too."

You have been warned...

A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - - and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there... and it*hurt*!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

"My God!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

Yoga in different forms...

A way to boost your ego

Third child

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

From my own experience, when the third child knew of any such discussion to limit the number to two, she would feel unwanted even though at the time of argument it was a decision on number and not deciding after the child was born, whether to keep her.

We have three children, and I must admit it was the biggest mistake on my part to have had the argument against having the third child, based solely on my concern over financial ability.

Belated happy 22nd birthday, Nee!

In fact, we are actually envious of those couples who had a child after a long gap and do not face the empty nest problem like we do now!

If Iraq had won the war...

Talk to your children in adult language please

Thirty years ago, in Leeds, Dave Allen joked about how we used to speak to our kids in baby talk until one day we had to correct them not to speak like a child. Eg. "I gave some biscuits to the doggie." and he was immediately corrected to say 'dog' instead.

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people's words." She then asked Bobby what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

*(Winnie the Pooh)*

Letter from a daughter...

Dear Mom and Dad,

You'll be happy to hear that I have finally left my black boyfriend. I
know you both didn't approve of him because of his race and the fact
that he is ten years older than me. I found, as you suggested, a nice
white German boy the same age as me! Attached is a recent photo of the
two of us. He's looking forward to meeting you both.

Your loving daughter,

Jenn


I am thankful she is not my daughter!

The good old days...

Virus attack and subsequent hang session.

Basic natural instinct when designing a house...

Ugly side of race

Wind beneath my wings

Are we there yet?

This is from Pickles by Brian Crane.

This really reminds me of my friend who is past mid-60 and yet he thinks he is very much younger.

For example, driving past a stalled car with a man who looks in his 50s, yet he would say, ‘pity that old man’ which implies he is younger.

Similarly, he would comment that it is no fun playing mahjong with a group of old ladies and knowing those he referred to, they are in their 50s or early 60s.

He still eyes beautiful girls coming and going while we are in the coffee shop, with a preference for voluptuous figures, preferably scantily dressed. But in a coffee shop, such displays are few and far between, so a rare appearance would be relished. I enjoy watching him gloat over the poor girl, his ex-ray eyes ‘undressing’ her.

No doubt, someone who is young at heart!

Special effects

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Follow your dreams

Once upon a time, there was a large mountainside, where an eagle's nest rested. The eagle's nest contained four large eagle eggs. One day an earthquake rocked the mountain causing one of the eggs to roll down the mountain, to a chicken farm, located in the valley below. The chickens knew that they must protect and care for the eagle's egg, so an old hen volunteered to nurture and raise the large
egg.

One day, the egg hatched and a beautiful eagle was born. Sadly, however, the eagle was raised to be a chicken. Soon, the eagle believed he was nothing more than a chicken. The eagle loved his home and family, but his spirit cried out for more. While playing a game on the farm one day, the eagle looked to the skies above and noticed a group of mighty eagles soaring in the skies.

"Oh," the eagle cried, "I wish I could soar like those birds." The chickens roared with laughter, "You cannot soar with those birds. You are a chicken and chickens do not soar."

The eagle continued staring, at his real family up above, dreaming that he could be with them. Each time the eagle would let his dreams be known, he was told it couldn't be done. That is what the eagle learned to believe. The eagle, after time, stopped dreaming and continued to live his life like a chicken. Finally, after a long life as a chicken, the eagle passed away.

The moral of the story: You become what you believe you are; so if you ever dream to become an eagle follow your dreams, not the words of a chicken.

Prelude to drunken stupor

Wonder if the architect was in a drunken state when he drew the plans.

Malaysian test of proficiency in National Language

I was told this story by a retired civil servant. I believe it was true though the questions are made up as he could not remember exactly.

For those who were Permanent Residents and applied to be citizens, they were required to pass a simple test in Bahasa Malaysia. As usual, there were cases of corruption and those who paid were given a set of answers to memorise. For example,

Q1. Apa nama awak? (What is your name?)

Q2. Apa pekerjaan? (What is your occupation?)

Q3. Awak hendak jadi Warganegara Malaysia? (Do you want to be a Malaysian Citizen?)

Q4. Awak ada rekod penjenayah? (Do you have a criminal record?)

To surprise those who paid for the answers, just imagine Q3 and Q4 were inter-changed!

By the way, this reminds me of a Pusing joke on a Chinese Hakka with limited knowledge of Bahasa Malaysia.

He was caught by police and asked the following question:-

Q. Apa nama? (Your name?)
A. Babi Enam (His name was Choo Loke which translates into No.6 Pig)

Q. Apa kerja? (Your occupation?)
A. Kereta Tiga (Tailor which translates to 'cheh sam' which in turn translates into 'car 3'

Q. Tingal mana? (Where do you live?)
A. Ayam belakang (end of the street which sounds like 'kai mui' which translates into 'chicken back')

Q. Tahu apa salah? (Do you know what is your offence?)
A. Kencing longkang (urinating into the drain).

Why British think 80% of M'sians coming to UK are to study law

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, I've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something I never knew. Hard to believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr...

How to spot a smart ass

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked: "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB.

Living dangerously

Against Feng Shui rules?

Don't take English literally...

An Englishman went next door to welcome his new Indian neighbor.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it.
"Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man's face.

The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually English customs. I was told to be English you have to chase chicks, get piss-drunk, and listen to bullshit."

Scary thought...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"

Lateral thinking

Not everybody's career option.

Proof that a man needs a heavy wife

It can do what Citroen's cutting edge technology can!

What Dog's best friends said...

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.

Wind pie and nothing chop

Once on an excursion as a student in Leeds, our Trinidadian friend said he was hungry and while pointing to some sheep, he said, "Look, mutton!" Then he would joke about ordering 'wind pie and nothing chop' which if you are not really listening, sounds alright. Well, 'nothing' can turn out to be chargeable, it seems...

Weekend escape to Amsterdam

It was quite an odd feeling meeting six other Malaysians in Amsterdam. They were Vincent and Hong Wee, former HELP course-mates, and their friends who are either studying or working in London. Three of us stayed with Vincent at Lomanstraat, a quaint residential area with rows of tilted trees and early 20th century buildings.

At this time of the year, Amsterdam is heaving with tourists, as with the rest of popular European cities (Mariya said it was the same in Barcelona). We skipped the "must-see" museums such as Anne Frank's House during the weekend to avoid the standard two-hour-long queues. On Saturday, we did 'canal biking' (boat for four with leg paddles) for an hour to enjoy the sun, canals and gables. Later, we explored Dam Square and the Red Light District (De Wallen). Yes, there were the glitzy red neon lights, famous prostitutes behind glass windows/doors (a different sort of "window shopping"), live sex shows, and "coffee shops" where marijuana is sold for personal consumption, usually in the coffee shop itself. ;)

The *highlight* of the weekend was definitely Sunday's trip to Keukenhof, not too far from Amsterdam. Again, we couldn't avoid the busloads of tourists visiting the famous "Tulipland", which is sort of like a small-scale Disneyland for tulips. But we tried by launching a 30-km cycling 'expedition' around the tulip fields. It was such an exhilarating experience to be bicycling again (reminds me of my BG days) - especially against the vibrant colours of blooming tulips, daffodils and hyacinths in the middle of spring.

Monday was a relatively subdued day as the rest left for London early in the morning while Vincent and I forced ourselves to wake up in time for the early morning queue to Anne Frank's house. It was a nice tour, but I wish I could remember more from what I've read in Anne Frank's Diary years ago (for some reason, the names "Miep" and "Bep" stuck). Then it was Van Gogh's museum by the Museumplein (Museum Square). I was surprised to find out about the profound influence of Japanese art on Van Gogh's paintings (strong outlines and bright colour contrasts) and his passion for the countryside and farmers. After that and a relaxing late lunch in Amsterdam's Chinatown, I was back on my Eurolines bus to Leuven.

cheng

Elephant test on bankers

One day, three bankers, a Citibanker, one from HSBC and another from Maybank, went for a walk. They were old buddies from school, and they were remembering the tough old days they went through as students together. For no apparent reason, they went into a zoo and passed an elephant.

Being from the same field and the same school, there is little bit of peer competition going on, so when he saw this elephant, an idea clicked the Citibanker, he said to the others, "Why don't we prove who is the best among us?".

The others, of course, agreed.

Then the Citibank said "Let's make a test. Whoever can make this elephant laugh, he works for the best Bank".

They all agreed and started.

Being a pure logical strategist, the Citibanker tried to make the elephant laugh by telling jokes (In this story, the elephant do understand the language). Of course it stayed still.

As a more practical guy, the HSBC guy tried to make funny gestures...and the
elephant still stood firm.

Now, it's the Maybanker turn. Being the tomorrow-can-do-it guy, he whispered something to the elephant, and it laughed at him while pointing its trunk at him. The other two were astonished.

How come this Maybanker beat them?

So the HSBC guy said "OK, let's make another test. Let's make this elephant cry".

So there they went again.

The Citibanker told sad stories. The HSBC guy made sad gestures, and they failed again.

Then, the Maybanker whispered something again in the elephant's ear and it just cried, weeping and patting away.

This can't be, thought the other two.

So the Citibanker said "OK, you've won twice. If you can win this test, we will bow to you. Let's make this elephant run".

He went and barked to the elephant orders to run. Of course, it stayed still.

The HSBC guy pushes the elephant and stabs it with stake to make it run, it stayed still.

So...our Maybanker comes to it and whispers something again in its ear and the elephant ran and ran as fast as it could, as if it was scared to death.

The other two admitted defeat.

"OK, you're the best, pal. You work for a very good Bank; not even our global bankers can beat you. Do tell us your secret".

"Well" said the Maybanker "The first time I made it laugh, I said "Maybank is the best bank ".

"When I made it cry, I told the elephant how much I get paid".

“And when I made it run scared to death, I said to it, “Why don’t you join Maybank?”

Municipal Services

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Eish, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees, he is sick today!"

Preview of a major facelift

Penguin apathy

Stating the obvious

How a marriage is doomed to fail...

It started when I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

To overcome the problem, two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is downstairs and mine is upstairs.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"…. I said, "Dust!"

Then I remembered... marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Fearlessness

Chick but not chicken


Kungfu konfidence

Legal sex discrimination

This reminds me of an advertisement in UK, more than 30 years ago, when Sex Discrimination Act was first enacted. An advertisement in the classifieds stated, 'Wanted: Bricklayers with chest measuring at least 36" and able to work topless in summer'.

Painting yourself into a corner...

But this is totally illogical.

Reality in Realty

In London, for example, if you were to search for a landed property with a limit of say, GBP 150,000, this is probably what you can get!

Carnation Milk is best of all...

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house.. a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Birthday SURPRISE...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there...on the couch...naked.

Deaf and Deafer

this sort of reminds me of my mom and dad...

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
"Honey, What's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, What's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"


BK