God helps those who help themselves...

comes to my mind when I read this:
The Law of Attraction
To attract attractive people, you must be attractive. To attract powerful people, you must be powerful. To attract committed people, you must be committed. Instead of going to work on them, you go to work on yourself. If you become, you can attract. - Jim Rohn


Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (my comments in italics):
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. (Burp!)
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." (Breakfast?)
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." (lost his way?)
4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." (I can relate to this)
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.(cannot agree even to sit together!)
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. (how true!)
7. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. (wow! What a difference without an ‘o’ made!)
8. Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help. (with divine help?)
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. (thank God for that!)
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.(Ignorance is bliss, why do we need the nursery?)
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.(like booing them?)
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. (how flattering indeed!)
13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. (maybe he should give up his day-time job!)
14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." (aka Good Riddance!)
15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. (never marry your friend!)
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. (…sounds like it?)
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. (members?)
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. (mean thought, I thought)