Extracts from letters written to local councils in Britain

Even British have problems with their language...

when complaining about their neighbours:

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow;

Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence;
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me;
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous;
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more;
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night;

who are also poor in maths:

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy;
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces;

not sure what they were thinking of...

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife;
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction;

and confused too...

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen;
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2;
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall;
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant;
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Link