How should we judge a government?

"If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing." - Malcolm X

In Malaysia, if you don't watch television or read newspapers, you are uninformed; but if you do, you are misinformed!

"Our government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. " - Ronald Reagan
Was he referring to Malaysia? Seems so apt...

Government fed by the people

Government fed by the people

Career options

Career options

How the Chinese control the economy

How the Chinese control the economy

MyCen News

Friday, September 29, 2006

Vow of Silence … relatively speaking

There's a monastery where the monks have taken a vow of silence.

But at a special dinner every year, one monk is allowed to say one thing.

So one year at this dinner, one monk stood up and said, "I really enjoy the mashed potatoes they serve here at the monastery." And he sat down.

At the following year's dinner, another monk stood up and said, "I hate the mashed potatoes they serve here at the monastery." And he sat down.

The next year after that, the head monk stood up and said, "I'm sick and tired of the constant bickering."

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Everything happens for a reason...

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Signed Your Ex-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your brother and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Double-speak

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Fai Wah

In Hong Kong, “fai wah” means useless, redundant or unnecessary talk.

Examples are: when you come home and your wife said, "you're back."; when you are eating and a friend came along and said, "having breakfast?"; when you are jacking up your car and someone came along and asked, "tyre puncture?"; when you are obviously fat and a friend said, "you are fat now." and so on. The following are from the internet:-

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Mexican red herring

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events was repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Friday, September 22, 2006

In the hospital ward, the head nurse rules...

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable.

A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.

One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Lament of an unemployable...

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried to be a chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.


Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

My best job was as a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, I tried retirement and found that I’m perfect for the job.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Today is the best day

We sat on the swing enjoying the warm summer air, truly without a care in the world. Cody, my 6-year-old nephew laughed, as he swung higher than me. His laugh made me smile.

Afterwards, we went for a walk, looking at the gardens. As we were walking, Cody looked up at me and said, "Today is the best day!" I smiled at him and replied, "Yes, it is a great day."

I then started thinking about what had we done that day? We didn't really do anything special; there was nothing that we did that cost any money. It was a simple day...one where we talked, went for walks, and swung on the swing. So often, we wait for our "best days" without realizing that "today is our best day". Or we say, "when I get this", or, "if only this", or, "when I have more money, I will", and we forget to live every day, enjoying today.

We should be more like children; they truly live in the moment! They don't need expensive things to make them happy; they don't use the phrase, "if only", or, "when I get this",or, "when I have more money".

There is a saying, "Carpe Diem" which means, "Seize the Day". As we get older, we need to remember this saying and enjoy each and every day. Keep your child like attitude of "living each moment to its fullest"!

Monday, September 18, 2006

You are only as old as you feel

A rubber smallholder heard about replanting grants by RISDA obtained by a friend. Not to be left out, he asked another friend to take him to Kuala Kangsar office to enquire.

The lady officer checked his file and said that his land had been given twice already. To be eligible, he needs to wait another three years.

He replied that in that case, he would come back three years’ time. The lady noticed that he is not young and asked how old is he.

He replied 85!

My mother-in-law is 87, and she still insists on making decisions on acquiring small estates! She still comes to the factory almost every working day and sits on a high chair with wheels, overseeing the workers operating the machines!

One day, a visitor came looking for her son and asked for the boss. She overheard the accounts clerk telling him that the boss has gone out. She told us, how could she say that when I am the boss and I was sitting there! When people asked her where she is working, doesn’t she say she is working for me?

So it is not surprising that our ex-PM, only 81, is not about to let go of what is happening in Malaysia.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

ABS or Amish Braking System

An Amish lady is in her horse buggy, trotting down the road when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home.

That's fine. Another thing, ma'am, I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

Interesting facts a.k.a. useless information

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.


"Obsession" is the most popular boat name requested by boat owners.

Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were invented by women.

Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

Father's Day is the day which has more collect calls than any other day of the year.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Exception to the rule

Pilots of a China Southern Airlines flight made an exception to allow a passenger to use the aircraft’s satellite telephone after leaving Shenzhen on Sunday.

After the plane took off, Wang realized he had forgotten to turn off his gas stove, on which he had been cooking soup at home, while trying to catch the flight to Urumqi, capital of Xinjiang Uygur.

He then told the crew that his home would catch fire unless the stove was turned off in time. Pilot had to use the satellite telephone to tell Wang’s wife, who was working in a local hospital, to go home to turn off the gas stove. - China Daily/Asia News Network.

Private school education

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principaldecided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort as required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Acronyms et al

A person with poor memory has to make use of ways to remember names and so on.

One way is to use acronyms eg. are Bernas for Beras National and Petronas for Petroliam Nasional.

Another method is to use initials eg. like MAS for Malaysian Airline System, and if it means something valuable, it is a bonus. But whether it lives up to its name is another matter.

But if memory is poor, even that is no help as I have experienced difficulty in remembering even just three items even though I remembered the 3 letters!

What if the first letters are the same? Like Mirzan, Mokhzani and Mukriz? To help remember the right order, I realized the second letter in each name, goes in order of seniority as IOU! Since then, I had no problem remembering the names. So it was quite a surprise that I read in Jeff Ooi’s blog,commenting that Prof. Khoo Boo Teik mixed up Mirzan with Mukriz.

The location of our infamous proposed sports complex in UK had given me problem in remembering, until I realized that breaking up the word: Brick-endon-bury helped.

For companies, history of some listed companies in Malaysia showed initials like API for Associated Plastic Industries, but “api” means fire in Malay, and names like Taiping and Everpeace seemed doomed to fail, for the lack of activities the latter two signified. This is only a light-hearted comment, with the benefit of hindsight. The word “hindsight” makes me laugh as I always think of it as someone with eyes on their bottoms!

I did not understand the phrase “second to none” until I realized that it is similar to the Cantonese “tai yee, mo yan kum yeng tai yat” which literally means “second, no one dared claimed first”.

“No love lost” also made me guessing. I supposed it means, after a break-up, one person said there was no love between them in the first place!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Animal farm

Anonymous commented “ I was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for…” and my immediate reaction was, “what do you expect from a site with “Kosong” for a name? Unless, he is a non-Malaysian.

My daughters call me a cat whisperer because wherever I go for a meal in coffeeshops, stray cats would come near me and nudge my legs. Whether, born in the year of the Tiger had anything to do with it, makes me wonder.

The two kittens, which we have now, were initially defensive as expected, out of fear more than anything else, being in a strange place with hostile dogs.

One is bigger than the other and eats faster too. It was a good idea that there are two of them as they sleep, one on top of the other. The smaller one had one hind leg bitten by our dog, Brook, at the factory, and hops along with one hind leg lifted up! The poor thing has only a little bob for a tail and it looks more like a rabbit from behind.

Patience was what I needed and I was rewarded when this injured kitten allowed me to touch while I offered milk. The other one is still apprehensive but I am confident I can easily win over the other as it came for the milk in my presence. In fact, I gave them small fishes and they ate with relish, very naturally.

The other important hurdle was the acceptance by our dogs. Instead of being hostile, at least, Sam now leaves them alone while they hide in a corner under some shoe cabinets. Here is a little tale on animals which seems familiar.

Once upon a time there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"

"Not I," said the cow."Not I," said the duck."Not I," said the pig."Not I," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little hen, and she did.

The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little hen.

"Not I," said the duck."That's out of my classification," said the pig."I'd lose my seniority," said the cow."I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little hen, and she did.

At last, it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow."I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck."If I'm to be the only helper, that would be discrimination," said the goose."It's hard work," said the pig. "Then I will," said the little hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see. They all wanted some. In fact, they demanded a share. But the little hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves myself."

"Excess profits!" yelled the cow."Capitalist leech!" cried the duck."I demand equal rights!" shouted the goose.The pig just grunted. Then the others hurriedly painted picket signs and marched around, shouting obscenities.

The government agent came and said to the little hen, "You must not be greedy."

"But I earned the bread," said the little hen.

"Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But, under government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle."

They all lived happily ever after.

But the little red hen's neighbours wondered why she never again baked bread.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I feel fine but...

Farmer Jed decided his injuries from his recent accident, were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible, to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Jed. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jed's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

"Mun Mai"

I am not sure what is the English equivalent, but in Cantonese, it means asking a temple medium to go into a trance and try and get the spirit of a dead relative to talk about what’s happening to him or her in the other world.

A year ago, a relative asked us to find out if there was any such temple in Ipoh. We got the details and contact numbers for her but there was no response.

A few days ago, her relatives were serious and they made the appointment while we arranged to meet and showed them the way.

We got to know a few things the woman was particular about: nothing is more important than “mun mai” and everyone one in the family should be able to make it, in other words, “no buts”; cannot or no point in recording the conversation as people are known to take back the recorder and no voice could be heard when played back; and generally, do not ask too many questions!

Actually, I always feel that in any place, be it school, government department or court, the person in charge - headmaster, department head or judge respectively, is “king”. As it was our first time in dealing with the woman, my relatives naturally followed her instructions as closely as possible, since she was the one who was going to make it all possible.

The lack of crowd, which we had expected was a give away sign. But still we could not judge by that alone. Only two siblings, a brother (with his wife) and a sister came. My wife, out of curiosity, went with them into the half-visible enclosure, which has an altar with many deities. I sat outside, like a busybody, wanted to listen yet without getting involved.

The siblings were instructed to light up some josssticks and incense papers to pray to the main deity and later to their late mother.

I had never been to a “mun mai” before but from what I have heard from my mum, it involved the medium reaching out to the spirit of the dead relative and while in a trance, the spirit, through the medium, was supposed to be able to speak to those present. There are people who said that even if the medium was unable to speak a dialect, say Hokien, in a trance, he or she would be able to speak it with the same mannerisms as the deceased like when he or she was alive before. There was one case of a few siblings who must have felt the presence of their dead brother’s spirit that they cried in his “presence”. My wife related how her mum got a shock when her dead grandmother through a medium, said something about being handicapped in the other world because they put her walking stick in her coffin!

With stories like that before we went, it was a big disappointment. Listening from the outside, I could figure out that the sister was testing the medium with questions like how is your eldest son? (he was actually dead) and she was unable to state that fact; about the other children and she said she would not comment on those who did not turn up, and so on.

Under the pretext of asking questions about the family before going into a trance to ensure the right spirit was called up, I found the details given could have given her a good idea of what to say to deceive them. The dead mother supposedly asked why the daughter seemed to have many things on her mind, and that the son had collected a substantial bad debt recently could be drawn from the fact that they were business people.

In the case of the late brother, general matters like advice to look after the young children and that he would not mind if his widow found a companion, seem applicable to most cases.

Anyway, I meant to keep to myself my doubts, but as soon as we got into the car, the sister already said she doubted her ability, that she was testing her with questions and that she appeared to be guessing! Having heard about the one in Selama from her friend in Penang and who is also the one my wife knows about, they are planning for the next session!

No further comments from me.

Sunbeam Alpine



This is only how I wish our car would look like.

Meanwhile, the rats had been at it, leaving behind remains of whatever food they gathered from our house, and a horrible stench. But the bigger problem was that the rats would get the fruits of our Manila Red palms and hide (to avoid the dogs)and eat in crevices of our other cars. Over time, it causes the air-cond systems to be choked.

Now we have brought back 2 kittens from the factory. Main problem is for them to get along with our dogs. As a temporary measure, what better place than in one of our 2 Sunbeam Alpines - safe from the dog, yet prevent the rats from getting in.

I have seen the remains of our rabbits after they got out of their hatch. Hopefully, the kittens can fend for themselves as they grow bigger.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Legal guide for bloggers



To be honest, I did not, and do not intend to, read the rules and regulations.

In the first place, my blogsite is meant for family and friends, and judging from the zero comment most of the time, only those really interested in what I was going to post, would bother to read, let alone comment.

It started when I realized that it is easier for me to post my recollections of my childhood, for instance, so that all my three children get to read them. Like my recent UK visits, which sometimes involved one, two or none of them, anyone not with me then would get to know what happened.

I still remember when Cheng was a few years old, she enjoyed stories about my childhood, and it was especially nice when she requested for a particular one and I had to repeat while she enjoyed listening to it.

In fact, she was the one who reminded me to carry on writing about the UK visits to different places which suddenly put pressure on me to write almost daily. I was supposed to write according to what I remembered, yet my memory was such that for certain days, it was blank. Since I planned it in chronological order, you can imagine how I felt when I had to wait to fill up earlier days first while I had those for later days ready for posting.

Beng who had all the photos to refer to, while I had only certain photos available, sent me a list of corrections to my factual errors! See how it evolved by itself? It was meant to be “censorship by memory” so that what I could remember must be important and pleasant to me and it became a historical account!

In my postings, I tried to ensure names are not mentioned, except well known ones and those whom I think would not mind. Yet, there are some who felt offended and some who wish I would delete postings involving them even though no names were mentioned.

A close friend actually warned me about pictures taken by others, which I had used, in case I am sued for infringing copyrights! Well, as far as I am concerned, the chances of that happening is so remote that I would apologise if and when, necessary. In the first place, some pictures were received from emails being forwarded and I would not know the origin or the person who owns them to enable me to ask for permission first. Anyway, it sure takes the fun out of it!

Friday, September 08, 2006

One way to worry the cat

Senior citizens are valuable...

We are more valuable than the younger generation:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet.
We have sugar in our urine and ...
We are loaded with natural gas!

But getting older has its drawbacks, and there is no turning back.

Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it is likely they are talking about
everything that is wrong with them: memory, urinary problems, knees, eyesight, and so on.

Well, I am a senior and I refuse to just discuss.

If I have a problem, I find a solution.

With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town.

This seems to meet my EVERY need.



I love it!

Husband with a sense of humour

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Antique clock repaired

The antique clock which SP bought at Spitafields Market for 15 quid has been fully restored with the addition of missing wooden decorative parts, almost beyond recognition.

She was informed to collect it and was pleasantly surprised to see a complete clock, even with an eagle sitting on top! The restorer managed to check a book with a picture of the model and confirmed that it is French, second edition, definitely over 100 years old and has a porcelain face! I had described it earlier as porcelain and changed it to enamelled. Now it seems it is porcelain!

I hope to take a picture of it and upload it later, for the benefit of those who have seen it before restoration. It travelled all over London, on buses, tube trains and sitting on a baby buggy!

It would be nice to show it to the television crew for Sun, Sea and Bargain Hunting!

One litter, too little

One little, two little, three little...

Monday, September 04, 2006

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working in the lounge on a cruise ship, and every night, the captain of the ship would come in with his pet parrot and watch the act. The parrot seemed particularly fascinated by the magician's tricks and started watching them very closely.

One night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will saw this lovely woman in half right before your eyes!"

"*Craaawk!*", said the parrot, "It's a fake! *whistle* he's got fake legs coming out the other side of the box!" The crowd roared, and the magician was less than amused.

"OK then, I will do a different trick", announced the magician, "Pick a card, madam, and I will tell you which card you have chosen."

"*Craaawk*! They're all the same cards!" answered the parrot!

This heckling continued for several weeks, and was completely ruining the magician's act, and needless to say, the magician grew to hate this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since it was the captain's pet.

One night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking on the upper deck of the ship when a huge explosion ripped through the bottom decks of the ship. The magician jumped into a lifeboat and dropped to safety.

As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot flew out from the ship and landed in his lifeboat.

Several days passed without a word between the magician and the parrot, the magician just glared at the bird, and the bird just kept looking in the direction of the sunken ship.

Finally, the parrot broke down...

"*Craaawk!* OK, Mate! What did you do with the ship??"

Curiosity kills the cat



One more step and I am going to tear you apart!

Happiness

If we only wanted to be happy,
it would have been easy.
But we wanted to be happier than others,
which is more difficult,
since we always think they are happier than they are.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The one that catches her eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.

"Just the ones that catch my eye."

Subject: woman sometimes a.k.a. wife

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Anonymous.

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henry Youngman.

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison.

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran.

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget once... - Anonymous.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henry Youngman.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

My comments:- Yet, if you try to book a good restaurant for a wedding, you need almost a year’s booking in advance. "Wise men say, only fools rush in..." croons Elvis.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Maddermatics

Some people tried too hard to work at mathematics and discovered some new formulae:-

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

My comment for the last line: As in a sale, a woman will pay $2 for the $2 item that she doesn't need, if the price halved.

Eat it while it is hot!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Dictionary of truisms

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Classic: A book, which people praise, but do not read.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest, except that he got caught.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Diplomat: A person, who tells you to go to hell, in such a way, that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: An art of transferring information, from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students, without passing through the minds of either.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway, "See? I am not injured yet."
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.