How should we judge a government?

"If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing." - Malcolm X

In Malaysia, if you don't watch television or read newspapers, you are uninformed; but if you do, you are misinformed!

"Our government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. " - Ronald Reagan
Was he referring to Malaysia? Seems so apt...

Government fed by the people

Government fed by the people

Career options

Career options

Prevent bullying now!

Prevent bullying now!
If you're not going to speak up, how is the world supposed to know you exist?

MyCen News

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Cannot fool everyone every time

A guy is about to walk into a bar when a nun charges up to him and screams, "Drinking alcohol is a sin! Repent or be damned to Hell!"

The guy says, "Now hold on, sister. Have you ever tried alcohol?"

"Well, no I haven't," the nun admitted.

The guy asks, "Then how do you know if it's that bad?"

"Well, I suppose I can't," the nun says, "but I can't very well take my first drink right here in plain view."

"No problem. I'll have them put it in a teacup. No one'll know. Hang on."

So the nun waits outside while the guy goes inside and calls the bartender to order two beers, one in a glass, and the other in a teacup.

The bartender says, "Oh no, it's not that nun again, is it?"

Monday, March 27, 2006

A dig at the taxman, wherever they are

Our income tax rules are incredibly one-sided, especially in terms of penalties.
If we did not pay within 30 days, 10% is added; if still unpaid, another 5%. Even if you have reason to believe that they have over-assessed, you have to pay first, sort out later. Yet, for tax refunds, we have to write to ask for it! Anyway, my refund has yet to be sent to me and it is time for submission again - one whole year of waiting in vain. Not earning interest while they sit on it because they are not liable to pay interest - how convenient!

For those who are not fans of Jeff Ooi, I wish to share chartered accountant Radha Vengadasalam's joke which appeared in Jeff's blog:

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books at a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," said the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh, do you now," replied the auditor a little disappointed that his unusual question had been met with such a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way.

"What about all the matzo you have purchased," he asked. "What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them, send them back to the bakery and every now and then they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"Hmmm..." replied the auditor, beginning to realise that the Rabbi was more than a match for him.

"Well then rabbi," he continued, determined to catch him out, "what do you do with all the left over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi without a blink. "We save them and send them to the tax office. And about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Sunday, March 26, 2006

An Enchanting evening with Yudi and Wei Han

My wife’s sister called up to ask if we would be interested in a Chinese music concert. Knowing that the 2 tickets costed her Rm200 and they could not make it, we decided to go, especially for me, music is therapeutic.

Not knowing what to expect, apart from it being organized by a Rotary Club, we collected the tickets from her on our way to Syuen Hotel, Ipoh. As we walked from the car, I tried to gather info from what was printed on the ticket. Managed to read “An enchanting evening with YUDI and Wei Han”.

At the Hotel entrance, we noticed a few familiar faces like ex-MP Dr. Yap Yit Thong. At the entrance to the ballroom, we were given programme leaflets and ushered to the seats. The backdrop showed that it was organized by The Rotary Club of Ipoh (the one that sponsored our daughter to Japan as an exchange student) and the Guest of Honour was MCA Secretary-General, Y. Bhg. Dato Ong Ka Chuan.

Looking at the instruments displayed on the stage: flute, violin, cello, double bass, drum kit, piano and keyboard, and reading the credentials of Yudi and Wei Han as well as the song list, I knew I would enjoy the evening.

But before we could enjoy the nostalgic songs, we had to endure the typical long speeches from the Rotarians. To further test our patience, which when I looked around was pretty obvious, our guest of honour tried to be a stand-up comic with his jokes, which like those posted in this blog, were likely to be stale to some people. The fact that he pledged Rm5,000 only confirmed our earlier assumption that the event had been sidetracked for political purpose. Because of his presence, Chew Wai Khoon, Yik Phooi Hong and Thong Fah Chong were seen.

In 2003, Yudi performed in Lin Dai – The Star of Stars concert, won her accolades and popular acclaim. In 2004, she co-worked on a concert focusing on legendary superstars of shi dai qu, Bai Guang and Ge Lan, which received an overwhelming response. To have an idea, her old Mandarin song list for the evening included Shanghai Night and Rose Rose I love you. Suffice to say, each of her songs brought back memories of the ‘50s and early ‘60s.

Wei Han, born and bred in Butterworth, is a graduate of the prestigious Xian Conservatory of Music in China. He showed his talent when he sang, truly solo, without any musical accompaniment, the famous Italian folksong, O Sole Mio. Among his songs, from various musicals like The Student Prince, The Great Caruso, My Fair Lady, and so on, the song, On the Street where you live, seemed to affect me most, imagining myself as a lovelorn teenager.

Having completed their list of songs, almost all in the audience stayed put with a faint call for ‘more’. Yudi, and later Wei Han, were most obliging in treating us with a few more classics, ending with Theresa Teng's 'Yeh Liang taipiau wo te sin' or something to that effect.

After the singers said their goodbyes, the President of the Club tried to make some announcement but nobody seemed interested, just eager to leave. We went to the show in a hurry, and I was particularly hungry, even thinking of what food to eat while watching the show!

Sorry, Joe and Jeffrey, I meant to drop by Stresrelief but too hungry then. For your info, I met Josephine (Dominic’s partner) at the show. She and her nephew, like us, got tickets paid for by others. Typically of events like this, one third of the seats were empty. The reason? To quote my sister-in-law, “we were cornered to buy the tickets” and how the President aptly put it, that his assistants were known for being “thick-skinned” when it comes to approaching people for donations, and presumably buying tickets.

Anyway, to me, it was more a nostalgic evening besides being enchanted by the two talented singers.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Top 5 adult jokes of 2005: Runner-up and the Champ

I am still unimpressed with the selection, especially the top choice! But having started, got to finish it before I move on.

Number 2

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong."What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

Number 1

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Friday, March 24, 2006

This man has a point

I used to wonder why married women took the trouble and great expense to look pretty, to possess expensive jewelleries and wear latest fashionable clothes. Did they do it to compete with other women? Or was it because there is this innate desire to attract other men in order to feel good?

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you.

I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . ."The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asked me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Top 5 adult jokes of 2005: No.3...

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again...
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

The seamstress

‘Seamstress’ reminds me of the time (more than 20 years ago) when life insurance agents used it to fill in ‘occupation’ for housewives who otherwise cannot buy a policy, for some reason which I have forgotten. I am sure there must be many ‘seamstresses’ in life insurance policies even today!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: - whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

Top 5 adult jokes of 2005: No.4...

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.

He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book.
It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Papadopoulos." He replies. "Nice to meet you."

Monday, March 20, 2006

Top 5 adult jokes of 2005

BH sent me this list and first thing, I wonder who selected them. Who sent them in and how did they select?

In reverse order, Joke No.5 (for the benefit of those who have not been sent them):

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Quite honestly, I hesitated and wondered whether I should post this! No. 4 will have to wait.

Loo Kong Ha Mee?

America has cowboy and cowgirl,
England has madcow,
Hong Kong has Macau,
Russia has Moscow,
Singapore, being kiasu, has 2 famous cows - Cow-peh and cow-boo.

In Penang, you need PHD to get around. No, they are not that academically inclined, but you need to know Penang Hokien Dialect which is quite different from say, KL or Singapore Hokien. There is even a book written to teach people how to speak it. Some professionals of other races and expatriates are finding the lessons useful too.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Handicapped - internetly

Life without Outlook Express means using Tmnet’s webmail and the constraints are numerous.

It is a case of taking things for granted and missing them only when we have lost them. Here’s a dummy’s account (advanced IT knowledgeables please skip but knowing them, the more they want to read and laugh at my expense):

First, there is an overall limit of 3.9MB for mail, including those already in the ‘folders’ and under ‘thrash’ if not deleted. To have an idea of 3.9MB of space, a picture requires some 50KBs and a mail with a few pictures require a few hundred KBs. Therefore to avoid warning from the mail administrator, one has to delete regularly.

When I ‘add addresses’, all those cc-addressees are included with the sender's! And, I have yet to find a way to delete unwanted addresses! I wish someone who had experienced this (unlikely as many would have sorted out with the vendor if IE and OE are not working properly) could confirm this, otherwise most people would assume it to be my lack of IT skill (which is admittedly low).

The other disadvantage of using Tmnet webmail is that one has to log on to just read an old mail unlike OE. Since I am not using broadband, time adds to the bill.

There is also no way to ‘select all’ within webmail, so I have to ‘drag down’ instead.

I cannot click address given in a website to write an email but had to type out instead. Each time I click the address, just like clicking ‘mail’, I get a message, ‘Outlook Express could not be started because MSOE.DLL could not be loaded’.

Without OE/IE, I am also unable to forward almost, if not all, articles in other websites. I am also unable to open most attachments because my windows player, winamp, etc. faced the same breakdown. It is frustrating after a long wait for an attachment to be downloaded only to find my computer unable to find the player to open it.

I am not sure what caused these problems and the most obvious would be my windows programs must have been detected to be unlicensed and disabled as a result. After umpteen times re-installation, I am not sure what I am using at the moment, though I bought the computer from a large reputable dealer.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Sleeping with the enemy

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No officer, only when he's been drinking."

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The woodpecker might have to go

Can you imagine what could have happened if a pair of woodpeckers were to be allowed pecking away Noah’s Ark?

Poor analogy to what I am about to write.

But by the way, our house is like a birds’ sanctuary, with birds making precarious nests on palm leaves and low bushes, some amorous merboks sleeping overnight on top of our Chinese lantern in front, while some other birds like sparrows sleeping under the shelter of some awnings at the back. I suspect there are some swifts too judging from some of the nests between terrace roof tiles and zinc cover attached to the wall to prevent leaking. But with the current bird flu scare, at night, I had to use a water sprayer to disturb those birds at the back, which are just outside some bedrooms.

The other problem is a neighbour’s “yim kai” or eunuch chickens to me, which are kept nearer to our kitchen than theirs because of their long backyard. We cannot complain about these illegal chicken coops, as we are not on talking terms and any action will escalate into a war.

Already, any police raid on their mahjong sessions had been blamed on us even though we were innocent of complaining.

I realize that many people have problems with their neighbours. Just look around you.

The other day, my wife and I went for “ice kacang” at my favourite coffeeshop in Pusing. I asked if it was alright for it to be brought over and proprietress agreed. Little did I realize the antagonism between her and the other woman.

Even though I had told the latter that I have confirmed with boss, she replied, “Really? So good?”.

To play it safe, she decided on using disposable tubs and told me to throw them after use! I even asked boss if it was ok to throw them into her bin and she jokingly said “Cannot!”

A warning to Seong Fart-ers

Well, "seong" as in "frequent" in Cantonese. Especially those who cannot control. Some have made it into an art, in terms of timing and effect.

It was reported that:

In Denmark, a patient broke wind while having surgery and set fire to his genitals.

The 30-year old man was having a mole removed from his bottom with an electric knife when his attack of fratulence was ignited by a spark. His genitals, which were soaked in surgical spirits, caught fire.

The man, who is suing the hospital, said: “When I woke up, my penis and scrotum were burning like hell. Besides the pain, I can’t have sex with my wife.”

Surgeons at the hospital in Kjellerups said: “It was an unfortunate accident.”

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Perks of being a senior citizen

Thank God we still have some perks for just being old!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you, unless you are very rich.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first, as even criminals would avoid being charged with murder in case you die of a heart attack.

3. People call at 9.00p.m. and ask, " Did I wake you?"

4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6. Things you buy now won't wear out.

7. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

8. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

9. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.


12. You admire women in coffee shops who you would not have taken a second look when young.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.






Tuesday, March 14, 2006

How to abuse your 3 wishes...

In wonderland, Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn’t like each other very much.

One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear, being a playbear, immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbits wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Honest priest, white liar

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked: "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied: "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.

"Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said: "Go ahead Father."

"Next!"

Saturday, March 11, 2006

How to be the richest...

How many of us are really prepared if and when we were given just 3 wishes?

Almost in all cases, we are likely to miss out certain aspects and especially the consequences of those wishes, if granted.

To be the most beautiful woman and richest widow in the world, a woman has to stay focused ...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Out of gas...

“Nothing like having some spare” says Yogi Bear.

With the recent increase in fuel prices, some people may run out of gas if they still think in terms of Ringgit when filling petrol or diesel.

Without some spare, some need a little help from a friend…

One day a little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take Lucy for a walk around the block?"

The Mom said, "No, because she's in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and said "Dad, can I take Lucy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and that I should ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Lucy over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it."OK, you can go now, but keep Lucy on the leash. And only go one time around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where's Lucy?"

The little girl replied, "Lucy ran out of gas about halfway down the block. There's another dog pushing her home."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

If I say it's a deer, it's a deer!

An outdoorsman decided to take his wife with him on a hunting trip. He chose a guest ranch in the country, and they set off on their adventure.

The next morning, they were taken by a guide to their designated hunting area. After they got to their deer stands, the husband explained to his wife the etiquette of deer hunting.

"If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever claims it."

The wife nodded, and he set off to his stand, about two hundred yards away. About twenty minutes passed, and he began to wonder if she was okay. Suddenly he heard his wife blasting away from her tree stand. He counted one...two...three, shots and thought to himself, "this is great, she got a deer".

A moment later he heard someone shouting and swearing and rushed over to see what was wrong. He crashed through the bushes and as he broke into the clearing, he found her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who had his hands up, and was shouting, "OK, lady, OK! Stop shooting! You can have the deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Monday, March 06, 2006

Grammy awards: and the winners go to...

Once, there was an elderly couple who had a dog that snored. Constantly annoyed, because she couldn't sleep, the wife went to the vet to see if he could help. The vet told the woman, to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he would stop snoring.

That evening, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog began to snore, as usual. The wife tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she went to the closet and grabbed a piece of red ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring! The woman was amazed!

Later that night, her husband returned home, drunk again, from being out with his buddies. He climbed into bed, fell asleep and immediately began to snore loudly. His wife figured, that maybe the ribbon might work on him also. So she returned to the closet again, grabbed a piece of blue ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also worked on him! The happy wife then slept very soundly.

A couple of hours later, the husband woke from his drunken stupor, and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his balls. He was very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shook his head, looked at the dog, grinned, and whispered, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!!

Twinkle twinkle 2 little stars

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.

The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope"

The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot"

Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.

The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. Well, the curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.

And so the first boy yelled out these unforgettable words........................
"My fair maiden....I have come to kiss your snatch!... and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shit, a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bull shit, aw shit..I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway... "

The audience left howling ... " Who said Theatre is Dead ? "

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The problem with other's driving

One morning, while driving to work, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror! She was putting on her eyeliner!!!

I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, and still working on her makeup!!!

Shit!! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

How to use your ATM card at hen party

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . .

Fishy trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas."The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tacklebox........."

The reality of marriage

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

She says, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Responsive MPPJ

Back in 2001, when I enquired about procedure to inform MPPJ on change of ownership, I was told to fill up a form “Borang I” which among other things, specifically required copy of title which was presumed to be one that shows the new owner.

After one year, we went on a wild goose chase which involved going to Shah Alam land office, which required a payment of Rm50 and the need to call before returning to collect the duplicate title. Much to our disgust, what we got was an exact copy of the old title!

Since then, we had been paying Assessment bills addressed to the previous owner.

But recently bills for second half year of 2005 and first half of this year were not delivered, presumably the previous owner must have given instructions to the Post Office to re-direct all his mail.

Since my son, the house owner, is planning to leave for UK, the matter becomes urgent, besides having bothered me for the past few years.

Out of frustration and exasperation, I wrote an email to the Head of Valuation Department, informing her of our plight. I waited for a couple of weeks but no reply.

Last Monday, one of my assignments on our trip to KL was to obtain a duplicate copy of Assessment bill and pay it for the time being. While waiting for my turn to pay, I just felt like asking the person at the Enquiry counter. To my surprise, she said for this month only, we can use our Sale and Purchase Agreement (instead of the title) for the purpose and I was told to go to counter 9A (the A suggests newly created temporary counter).

Upon reaching the counter, the man looking at the copy of S&PA I was holding, said I could use that if I want. I was taken by surprise by the whole thing and I told him that I have to have it copied first and also I am waiting for my turn to pay.

I mentioned to him about my email to the Head of Valuation Department and he said that was the reason for the relaxation in procedure! That really made my day.

But I was still disappointed with the Head for not replying my email. Moreover, I found out only by chance! The “amnesty period” could have come and gone without me knowing it and my tension with my wife (co-owner) over this particular matter would have continued unabated!

Did I hear someone asking what has this got to do with me?

Most embarrassing moment of her life

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!"

Sorry seems the hardest word, yet it does not heal

We have often heard people trying to explain why they lost their temper by saying they did not mean to hurt your feelings and that they are actually soft-hearted... just their mouth too harsh?

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Ignorance was bliss

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.

"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

For the love of mother-in-law?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."