How should we judge a government?

"If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing." - Malcolm X

In Malaysia, if you don't watch television or read newspapers, you are uninformed; but if you do, you are misinformed!

Why we should be against censorship: Publicity is the very soul of justice … it keeps the judge himself, while trying, under trial. - Jeremy Bentham

"Our government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. " - Ronald Reagan


Government fed by the people

Government fed by the people

Career options

Career options

Prevent bullying now!

Prevent bullying now!
If you're not going to speak up, how is the world supposed to know you exist?

MyCen News

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Just jam Joe

Joe was supposed to meet me to exchange his sterling for some ringgit. He has not been to my place. He promised to jam at my place before but could not make it, so he said he will make it this time.

Yesterday, afternoon he sms-ed me to arrange with my neighbour, Dr. Lim. I forwarded his message and Dr replied that he is still in KL but will be back at night. Joe contacted another friend, Steven, who lives in Pusing.

Problem with our house location is that though it is just behind a good landmark, a famous local Indian temple, the access to it is complicated to explain to someone who has not been.

Joe called for a general description of the way. He sms-ed me to call Steven to give direction. He then called to say he is now at Caltex station. Though only about 150 ft away from the main road, but now blocked by a new multi-purpose hall owned by the temple, I had to give directions to Joe while walking along the road towards him. Met him, got into his car and waited for Steven at BP station. In fact, this problem of giving direction has led me to inform anyone who is sending anything to me by courier, to send by Poslaju, as they have no problem with our address. I do not own any shares in Pos Holdings nor get paid for doing so.

Dr. Lim earlier called to decline my invitation to jam with us. Then I told him to at least meet some new friends with similar interest. As expected, he enjoyed the jamming part, especially with a bass player to give the oomph. We went through my collection of oldies and also managed a Mandarin number which Steven knew the lyrics by heart. By 10.30pm, Dr Lim said we had better stop so as not to upset the neighbours. He was tired after driving back from KL and did not join us for a drink at the mamak shop.

Though it seems a lot of trouble for a simple jam, it was worth the effort. Through a session like this, we can really tell whether we are comfortable with each other. Looks like we can expect more of the same but Joe will be back in UK for another few months.

Joe related to us how once he met someone looking for guitar strings in a stationery shop. He told him where to get them and started chatting. One thing led to another and ended up in his place jamming until 2.00 am. When his wife asked him who was he, he replied I just knew him today!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Birds of a feather

At Derrick’s wedding dinner last Sunday night, we were seated among Joe’s friends who are musicians. Jeffrey, who is being retained as a singer at a pub, said he will be at work from 10 pm. He said his boss recently bought a drums kit, electric guitar and bass guitar for jam sessions during their breaks.. Boss’s son plays the drums, so it is like giving him exposure (lucky fella).

Here I am, aged 55, still thinking of a jam café set-up while that young man has everything set-up for him.

In my late teens, because of my interest in drums, I bought a used set with a broken bass drum (where the legs were) from a schoolmate. I got complaints from a brother, terrace house neighbours and private school across the road. This still haunts me whenever I play, always imagining I am upsetting people.

To give an idea of how professionals became what they are, Lewis Pragasam, our best known drummer, once mentioned to my daughter during an interview for her college newsletter, that when he started at the age of 16, he used to practise over an 18-hour stretch! Roger Wang, classical guitarist known for his improvisation of old tunes, of Double Take fame, mentioned in an article on him, that he used to practise when others go dating! So it all boils down to passion for it as well as inherent talent. Most of us are destined to be admirers and wannabees only.

Anyway, since I have not been to that pub before, I suggested to those present to jam after dinner. Seng, a lead guitarist, and Peter, guitarist cum singer, agreed.

At the pub, we listened to Jeffrey and his partners, Dominic and wife, Jo, performed a few numbers before we got the chance to jam. It was like expected that the boss’s son plays the drums, until he could not play a rhumba beat for a Los Indios number, that Jeffrey asked me to try. Well, I could manage something like it, so it sounds slightly better than a totally different beat, rock, for instance.

With my present networking with a few bands, a jam café will not be short of sessionists. Now, how to deal with my procrastination?

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Another example of a small world

Last night, I attended a Tamil wedding dinner of my good friend's daughter. In fact, Ramakrishnan used to be my wife's childhood friend. I knew him when he accompanied my brother-in-law to KL on my wedding day about 30 years ago.

We were shown to a table and Rama introduced me to two persons at the table. He said these two should click with you and introduced me as "a drummer" and one of them as "guitarist" and the other as "singer". Well, being in a smaller city, the guitarist, whom I knew as Leong, used to play lead at Leong Association. He specializes in Shadows' classic tunes. I was more surprised to meet Peter Goon, the singer, because I just met him the night before at a band practice.

Tonight, I will be going to Joe Ong's for a buffet dinner. This is actually a common practice here, the night before a wedding day. Not Joe, but one of his twin sons, Derrick, is getting married. I will be looking out for more surprises in this small world of ours.

Wrong timing and Miscommunication

I was wondering if I should cancel breakfast appointment when my friend called to say he could not make it. That left me plenty of time to make it for a press conference in Ipoh with the police over the "saman ekor" at 11.30am.

Thought I knew the police station well. Parked in front of Tabung Haji building, but after asking a few policemen, I had to walk out again and round the perimeter of the station to get in, opposite the mosque. The entrance where I parked is only for police to get in and out, just to show how unfriendly the place is. I had bad memories of our encounter with this station which I wrote to Malaysiakini under Carlost Santana, a few years ago.

Because of the delay, I saw YB Fong Po Kuan and her colleagues were already in discussion with some police officers. I waited with the press reporters outside the officer's room. After it was over, Po Kuan exclaimed, "I did not know you were here! You should have knocked the door and went in. I want you to hear out how they explained to us. Pity I left my handphone with my companion just now. Never mind, you join the press now when they field their questions."

After the press conference was over, Po Kuan said she did not have breakfast (it was already 1.00 pm) and they are going to Sin Yoon Loong (famous for white coffee). I told her I will meet them there thinking I knew the place and it was walkable from where I parked. I put in more coins and reached the place within 5 minutes.

I asked the boss for a big table but the place is always crowded so I stood and waited. After waiting for 10 minutes, I called PK again and she said "I am in the shop, where are you?"

I said, "I am in the shop too, where are you?"

She replied, "You went to the old place! I am in Jalan Bendahara. Miscommunication again."

I said, "Forget it. Never mind, next time."

Good job I did not wait at an empty table while others were looking for places to sit!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

It's a small, small world

I had supper with Joe Ong last night, after watching a band practice. Both of us are very keen on music (not necessarily talented in my case) and given the chance, we could watch till they finish.

Both of us take such opportunities to learn (bass for him and bass and drums for me). He can be considered a semi-professional because he had played at functions before while I am still amateurish at drums and new to bass.

This post is directed at BH Yap, almost my one and only commentator. It is a small world. In one of the emails Joe sent to me, I noticed Bayibhyap which seemed familiar. I asked Joe last night and he confirmed he knows him and told me the story how they got to know each other.

As usual, when I want to look for the email address, I could not find it. When I clicked on his hypertexted name, I could not locate his blogsite. So the best I can do is to post this and hope he will read it and give his comments.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

One man's wife is another man's desire

While driving back from Ipoh, I told my wife one of my breakfast topics. A friend mentioned about the case of a ex-TV presenter having lost her defamation case against a magazine's publishers.

Please bear in mind, the conversation was among three retirees with selective loss of memories, and therefore, there is no guarantee of accuracy of facts as reported.

Anyway, one retiree said he read news before that the magazine's article mentioned that the TV presenter’s ex-husband was paid Rm3 million for their divorce. She must have sued the magazine publishers.

The other retiree, aged 65, innocently said that he would be satisfied if paid Rm1 million for his wife! As soon as my wife heard this part of my story, she could not help laughing. Simply because, she was thinking the retiree’s wife must be around 60, and yet he has the gumption to think someone would offer Rm1 million for her!

Anyway, jokes aside, we touched on the morality of it which is quite similar to indecent proposal. Basically, it means no wife is safe from such predators.

Sunday market or thieves' outlet

My wife and I are regulars at the Ipoh Sunday market along Jalan Horley. My friend nick-named it “thieves outlet” as he reckons most of the goods are stolen. To a certain extent, I agree, especially those used shoes and sandals which are likely to be stolen from people’s porch. Then the handbags and handphones are likely to be items of snatch victims.

My wife is more interested in chinaware and porcelain. Occasionally, she managed to get really good stuff for a song. The history of such items are usually things left behind when people move from one place to another. Well, one man’s rubbish is another’s treasure. Those fellow collectors out there would agree that almost everything is collectible.

The other day, I was surprised to see a friend (trader becomes friend after such frequent visits) who sold a lowly old bottle-opener marked with logo of CocaCola for Rm18 to a young man, who obviously knew what he was buying. Other brands were going for only Rm5 or so. Almost all the items which remind me of my childhood: tricycles, pedal cars, metal calendar pictures of Hong Kong film stars, and so on, are now sought after.

I personally go for music CDs or VCDs which are normally sold for Rm1 each, 2 for Rm3 or 3 for Rm5, depending on singer or group, condition or trader. It does not matter to me whether they are pirated or stolen. Sometimes I get new ones at that price. These are likely to be someone’s slow-moving stock, “fell off the back of the lorry” or confiscated by police but somehow found their way out. In other words, they were practically free which was why they can sell at such low prices.

With the availability of such cheap CDs, I am exposed to and able to enjoy and learn more songs which otherwise I would not be able to afford.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Rat rights

As in human rights, do rats have rights… just to live? It may seem silly, but some Buddhists even feel it repugnant to kill those blood-sucking disease-spreading mosquitoes!

I have had incessant problems with rats. Their favourite hideouts are the two Sunbeam Alpines which have been off the road for many years. They treat the two cars as their nests and leave a heavy stench of urine and excreta, together with leftovers of their meals like bones, mango stones, palm fruit sans skins and so on.

I have tried using rat poison, with some success. But there is the problem of putting up with a day or two of stench of dead rat somewhere before it was found. Most of the time, it is hidden somewhere and it requires the efficient smell sense of the housefly to locate it. Then I have the unpleasant task of taking the smelly corpse for burial. I was the unofficial hunter, killer and undertaker!

Recently, my wife bought a tin of glue specially for trapping rats. I put off using it for a few weeks because it was messy to apply. She had enough of the rats because her new Xtrail’s air-conditioning system failed because it was clogged with palm fruits! The car had to be left overnight at the service center because it required dismantling the dashboard. It was costly because of the time-consuming work and the addition of an extra filter to trap any of such rubbish before it gets into the system.

I applied the glue on to a chipboard leaving the centre for bait. I knew the rats like my fish food. It was really effective, as the next morning, I found a huge rat stuck to the board. Though expected, it is still awful to think of a rat still alive stuck to it. To avoid the unpleasant task of killing it by force, I left it for a few hours. By the time I dug a hole in the ground outside the compound, the rat was still alive! Well, I took the board with the rat stuck on it, and literally buried it alive. Do I have a choice? I have seen rats caught in a cage being left to die under the hot sun. I don’t really know what is the most humane way to rid of such pests.

My really old BMW was not spared. Even though I use it on alternate days for going out with fellow retirees for breakfast, its air filter was chock-a-block with palm fruit pieces! It was a wonder the car could start!

I was conned by a Sunday market trader into buying 3 packets of coloured powder. In retrospect, it was such an easy con-trick. On the packet, it was printed Rm10 and it was being sold at 3 for Rm10. The chap promised rats, lizards and insects will be so repelled by the powder that they won't be back for up to 6 months! It seems to be effective for up to 20 feet in all directions. The best selling point was that we do not have to put up with dead rats as in the use of poison, or having to kill trapped rats. Well, when I tried on the lizards, they were clucking away as if thumbing their noses at me!

Well, education is a life long process. Maybe I should go back to TAR College!

Earth-shattering facts, but in this blog, only those that do not matter

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(recipe for kosong cafe)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Some terrorists are still at it.)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Imagine when a person is angry!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!
(I have yet to see a headless one causing trouble, and I still can’t get over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(No use if you want to lose weight.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Male mantis: “A kiss is not a kiss, a sigh is not a sighhhh….ugh”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(Should it be spelt “flee” instead?)
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(Who took the trouble to count them and what could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(I always wonder what it would be like. Anything to do with reflexology?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(The frog has proven to us)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(Being ambidextrous, I have the advantage of four years, 182 days and 12 hours.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Isn’t it obvious?)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
( A black light? Against black, everything seems to glow.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some politicians like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some politicians like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Hey! What about that pig??)

Monday, November 21, 2005

Men, being intelligent, never listen

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

"Sir," she said, "you may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters! : WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its programmed function, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he thought would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital. As soon as he opened his eyes, a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened?" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.
"The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is in a bottle on your bedside table."

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Rolls Royce's attention to detail

A boy was admiring a Rolls Royce, which he had the chance to see closely for the first time.

He walked round the gleaming car excitedly and asked the owner whether it is alright for him to take a peek inside.

Owner: “Certainly, young man, get in and feel it”

The boy got onto the driving seat and imagined himself, driving the luxurious car. Then he realized he sat on a small item and immediately took it out from under him.

He asked the owner: “What’s this?”

Owner: “That’s a tee.”

Boy: “What’s it for?”

Owner: “You rest your ball on it before you drive off”

Boy: “Blimey! Rolls Royce sure thinks of everything!”

Mamadona

In answer to the question: “Who is the greatest, Pele or Maradona?”

Maradona: “I won’t say I’m the greatest. But like everybody, I too believe my mother. And she says I’m the greatest.”

Friday, November 18, 2005

Different wavelengths

A number of my friends, (out of curiosity or concern? or are they plain nosey parkers?) used to ask me how I spend my time. Out of their goodness from the bottom of their hearts, they cannot understand how anybody could spend so much time (mostly at home) practically “doing nothing”. I could list out activities, that are useful to the family and house, which take up most of my time. But I do not see the reason nor need to answer all those queries.

Anyway, I called up an old friend to say hello. She is business-minded and very successful in managing her husband’s medical practice, and many other “useful and gainful activities”. She asked me what I have been doing. When I replied my usual “Nothing really”, she began to give me all sorts of advice as to how to make use of my time “working” as she cannot stand a man not working. She suggested, “Why not help your wife in her family’s busy businesses?” Getting tired of this line of questioning,

I replied: “What to do? She won’t let me do what I am good at.”

She replied: “Then you do it yourself”

I said: “Now I know why they call it MASTER BEDROOM”

She did not get it at first and I had to repeat it slowly before she realized what I am getting at. (Sigh)

(In my mind: a man has got to do what a man has got to do: NOTHING!)

Blue suede shoes

Two senior ladies met for the first time since they graduated from the university.

One asked the other: “You were always so organized. How did you manage to live such a well-planned life?”

“Well,” said her friend, “my first marriage was to a millionaire; my second was to an actor; my third was to a preacher, and now, I am married to an undertaker.”

The friend asked: “What do marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

The other replied, “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!”

To musicians or those who know this tune: please imagine the bass line that goes with the song.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Fun with names

WEE KEN FATT, screams a sign on one side of the road. SOH KEN WEE seems like a reply across the road. This much quoted joke, gets distorted along the way, but it does not lose its hilarity. Now I wonder if it was actually true or cooked up.

But I know this is true. Years ago, along 3rd mile Jalan Ipoh, Kuala Lumpur, there used to be a vacant land, which is now a building occupied by Public Bank. It was occupied by a used car company by the name of FU SOON SDN BHD.

Recently, we were in Teluk Intan looking for a particular biscuit shop. While driving about in the town, I saw a shop with SEONG FART. I am sure in Cantonese, it was supposed to mean “always prosper” but somehow it got mispelt or the owner has no choice because there must have been too many SEONG FATT already registered.

If my memory serves me right, a SOON GOH FATT along Jalan Tun Perak, Kuala Lumpur, managed to get a mention in That’s Life in UK, hosted by Esther Rantzen.

Auspicious business signs for restaurants signifying good business, seem to suggest the lack of ideas. TIEN TIEN LAI and YAT YAT TOU means the same (everyday come), though the former is in Mandarin and the latter in Cantonese.

The Chinese favourite, usually one of two or three characters of a business name, FOOK means “good luck” in Cantonese. But if it is used in Yorkshire, England, it sounds obscene!

I realized this, years ago, when my roommate tried to explain the many different dialects of Chinese people to a Yemeni post-graduate student. He was in Leeds long enough. He told him, “For example, I am Hakka, and he, pointing at me, is Fookin." Jamal burst out laughing! If my friend had used "Hokien instead of Fookin", it would not have been so hilarious.

There is a coffeeshop in the town where I live now, with the name, MOK YEW. If FOOK YEW, I bet a tourist from Yorkshire will take a picture to show his friends back home.

By the way, my blog name KOSONG means “empty” in Malay. I am trying to dispel the Chinese superstitution relating to names, by making sure my blog is far from empty. In fact, I hope to open a jam café by that name too!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Foot in the mouth

Son brought his girlfriend to meet his parents.

After the initial greetings and pleasantries, they settled down to conversation and getting to know each other.

Father asked the girl, “What does your father do?”

Girl: “chou teen” in Cantonese (meaning to do with electricity)

Father thought she meant he works as an electrician, thinking along the lines of installing light fittings and general electrical repairs, commented: “kei hou keh, wan tou leong charn” (literally meaning “quite good really, can earn two meals a day”).

As preparations for the wedding started, the father began to feel more and more uncomfortable and embarrassed as a result of his earlier comment, as events unfolded.

The bridal car used was their own BMW, wedding dinner given by the bride’s family was held in a restaurant within a hotel and they live in a three-level mansion with a putting green!

Moral of the story: just like guessing the age of a woman (better to understate), it is better to assume someone is doing better than what you think he is.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Credit where credit is due

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:-

The woman buys the food.
She makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
She prepares the meat for cooking.
She places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.

Where skill is vital: THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Another skilful act: THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

After everyone has finished eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And finally ...

Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Quirks of examinations

Years ago, while marking answer scripts of a professional audit examination in UK, an examiner must have been tickled to point out the following quoted by a student:-

“an auditor’s role is that of a watchdog, and not a bloody greyhound”.

The student was trying to quote the Kingston Cotton Mills case in which the judge quoted, “an auditor’s role is that of a watchdog, and not a blood hound”.

It would be interesting to see if there would be any wrong answers if both quotes were given in an objective test.

I was told by a retired teacher in Malaysia that there was once a directive from the Education Ministry to the examiners of a certain level school examination. They were told to set objective questions with say, multiple choice given from (a) to (e) each, which must have an even spread (if this is the right term). In other words, in total, there must be 20% each of (a), (b), (c), (d) and (e) of correct answers.

Word got round, and even the worst students could get 20% marks by just marking one pattern. For instance, only (a), for the whole paper!

Apology

My sincere apology to Bayibhyap who was misled by the very very short story which I highlighted in a different colour and appeared like a title to a story. It is not a hypertext to a link.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Short story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The short story had to involve the following three topics: -
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) and Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:

Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it.

Don't prejudge a person

If you knew a woman who was pregnant and she had 8 kids already. Three of them were deaf, two were blind and one mentally retarded. And she had syphilis.

Would you recommend that she should have an abortion?

If you were the doctor and your answer was “yes”, you would have killed Beethoven.

Most embarrassing first date

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing … to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip.

They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concern about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down ...or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing!

This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off".

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

The farmer's watch

There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn. It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.

After searching high and low among the hay for a long while, he gave up and enlisted the help of a group of kids playing outside the barn. He promised them that the person who found it would be rewarded with five dollars.

Hearing this, the group of kids hurried inside the barn, flipped through and around the entire stack of hay but still could not find the watch. Just when the farmer was about to give up looking for his watch, a little boy went up to him and asked to be given another chance.

The farmer looked at him and thought, "Why not? After all, this kid looks sincere enough." So the farmer sent the little boy back in the barn. After a while the little boy came out with the watch in his hand!

The farmer was both happy and surprised and so he asked the boy how he succeeded where the rest had failed.

The boy replied, "I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen. In the silence, I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction."

Very often, we allow the noise of the world to drown out our inner voices, our intuition, the language of our hearts.

So learn to listen to our inner voice, for it will point us in the right direction to find true joy, love and peace.

Friday, November 11, 2005

God created children

( AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN )

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve... we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

Eve: "No Way!"

Adam: "Yes way!"

"DO NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was furious! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

Eve: "Did not!"

Adam: "Did too!"

Eve: "DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Old Lady vs Young Police officer

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk
of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Prediction came true

Last September 9, I wrote the following letter to an online newspublisher but was unpublished:-

Dear Sir,

I expect Bank Negara will be inundated with fake Rm1 coins by December 7, 2005.

Coffee-shop talk in Perak alone had it that there were 2 cases of syndicates minting those coins in small industrial estates.

It seems they used a light industrial premises which outwardly appeared to be a genuine business. Behind closed doors, they were minting Rm1 coins with the help of immigrant labourers.

Some small traders were approached outright to exchange Rm600 for Rm1,000 fakes. One bright spark even used an ingenious way by offering the traders small change service but actually gave them Rm600 in 50-, 20- and 10-sen coins and Rm400 in fake Rm1 coins.

There was a case where a good Samaritan thought a factory was on fire and called the fire brigade. When the fire brigade came, the culprits fled. It must have been a crude way of melting metal by using primitive furnace which gave a huge glow which appeared like the building was on fire.

Anyway, it is not important whether the stories were true, but the fact was that fake coins have been in circulation for some years. The security features, if any, must have been useless if ordinary folks can produce them. Bank Negara should have nibbed the problem in the bud instead of waiting until now to recall the coins.

When it was first rumoured, then confirmed by press statements, that the coins will be taken out of circulation, traders and customers alike have been avoiding them like the plague. Then there were stories of different treatment by different banks. Some bank staff arbitrarily confirmed certain coins were fakes and confiscated them as part of official policy to take them out of circulation. Those affected could not help wondering if they were taken for a ride.

Since the complaints were highlighted, Bank Negara announced that all coins will be accepted until December 7. I believe there are people out there who will take this opportunity to print more fakes to take advantage of this policy. The dateline should be brought forward to prevent opportunists from doing so.

I, for one, will be interested to know how much of the coins collected by them are fakes. Bank Negara owes us a duty to inform us later.

Yours faithfully,

Layman

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Case of a pregnant lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

"Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said , "The Double Mint Twins are Coming," and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident" ... I just lost it."

Case dismissed.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Potty English

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Anonymous fame?

This is probably an oxymoron. Can anyone actually get famous anonymously?

This morning, instead of my usual marathon breakfast with 2 other retirees, I was alone in a local Indian restaurant, having a glass of “basmal teh” or “fresh cow’s milk tea” while reading The Star.

When I opened the centre pages, I started reading Mary Schneider’s column with the day’s heading, “Karaoke Craze”. Then the title “Bravo, Househusbands!” of Chong Sheau Ching's column, which is on the left of the centre pages, caught my eyes. I started reading it, wondering what’s new, knowing her fame for ehomemakers. What a pleasant surprise it was when one of the three so-called brave men she described happens to be me!

I cannot remember when I wrote to her, probably 3 years ago. I am indeed honoured that she kept it for so long and actually quoted me, though anonymously, in her article.

This morning, before I went for my tea, I visited this blog, and was thrilled to get a first comment on my earlier postings. Well, it is a start, like the journey of a thousand steps.

Monday, November 07, 2005

An unpublished letter to editor

This unpublished letter, though dated and irrelevant after the visit, carries a message to our leaders.



Dear Sir,

Cherie Blair’s forthcoming private visit to Malaysia has been criticized for her financial motive though it is no business of ours.

The details of her financial affairs in the Sunday Mail have in fact proven to us that the British leaders are more transparent in their dealings, something our leaders should emulate. So what if her law lecture commands a high fee and her presence in the re-launching of Starhill will be rewarded one way or another? At least it is proof that her husband’s position as Prime Minister of Britain and allegedly the world’s second most powerful person in the world, does not involve big scale corruption as is common among some Asian countries.

Tan Sri Francis Yeoh has been known to be consummate in his dealings with top world national leaders and this is no exception. Most of us are just jealous of his success in his public relations.

Cherie, welcome to Bolehland, where our PM lives in a palace with man-made lakes and beautiful bridges. You don’t know what you are missing!

Yours faithfully,

Ex-PR of UK

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Entries for dumbest quotes?

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Doctor vs Lawyer

Doctor being cross-examined by Lawyer:-

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Old Wit vs Young Twit

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red,
orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.

The old man stared.

Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically : "What's the matter, old boy,
never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied :"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

Friday, November 04, 2005

Auditor vs Lawyer

This is a Malaysian joke passed round in the internet and by just changing the destination, it appears to fit the description of a couple who I know very well.

An auditor and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from KL to Kuching. The lawyer asks if the auditor would like to play a fun game?

The auditor, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
She explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the auditor's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The auditor doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay", says the lawyer, "your turn."

He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out her laptop computer and searches all her references, no answer.
She taps into the air phone with her modem and searches the net and the library, no answer. Frustrated, she sends Emails to all her friends and co-workers, to no avail.

After an hour, she wakes the auditor, and hands $500.00. The auditor says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the auditor and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the auditor reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Careless whisper

Think before we speak.

There is a Chinese saying: "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation."

Many relationships soured because of careless speech. When a couple is too close with each other, they always forget mutual respect and courtesy. One may say something without considering if it would hurt the other.

A lady and her rich husband visited their construction site.

A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted, "Hi, Rosie! Remember me? We used to date in school."

On the way home, her husband teased her, "You are fortunate to have married me. Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker."

She answered, "You should be grateful you married me! Otherwise, he would have been the millionaire and not you."

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The Secret

Someone once said that secret is something we tell one person at a time. I wish to share this secret but with today's technology, it is more an open secret:-

One day, one friend asked another, "How is it that you are always so happy? You have so much energy, and you never seem to get down."

With her eyes smiling, she said, "I know the Secret. I'll tell you all about it, but you have to promise to share the Secret with others."

"The Secret is this: All I do is live a simple life, have some really good friends, a happy family and enjoy nature. I have learned most of the time I don't need half of what I think I do. With the above thoughts, I learned the 'Secret' to a happy life."

The questioner's first thought was, "That's too simple!" But upon reflecting over her own life, she recalled how she thought a bigger house would make her happy, but it didn't. She thought a better paying job would make her happy, but it hadn't. When did she realize her greatest happiness? Sitting on the floor with her nephews and nieces, playing games, eating pizza or reading them a story.

Now you know it too! And now I pass the Secret on to you. Once you get it, what will you do?
Please tell someone the Secret too.